The old pilot served in the Odessa port. Nobody remembered, for what held it(him) on service. Talked, that anybody is better than him(it) does not know foreign languages.
Once call it(him) on urgent business:
- And so, any supertanker has gone off-course and прет is direct on a beacon. We shout to it(him) in Russian - "Displace" - do not understand!
The old pilot has left towards on a boat and shouts in a loud hailer:
- On the tank vessel! Ду ю спик an English?
On the tank vessel do not answer.
- Парле ву франсе?
Do not answer.
- Шпрехен зи дойч?
From the tank vessel joyfully reaches: - Йа, йа!
- So I Russian speak you: displace, displace!

The ship is moored to coast. On coast gapers stand.
The sailor with shout " Полундра! " Throws on a shore выбраску and gets to the gaper directly in a forehead. That - брык! - also falls without consciousness.
At last it(he) comes to the senses, sees before itself that sailor and speaks:
- When you stop полундру, shout " Берегись! ".

The motorship passes by a small island in ocean on which bearded the man something shouts, desperately swinging hands.
- Who it? - the passenger of the captain asks.
- Concept I have no. Every year, when we here it is passable, it(he) as is mad.

Naval axiom: if the subject goes - salute it(him) if not goes - paint it(him)!

Morning divorce on радиопередающем centre of the Navy. The captain:
- What at us with transmitters?
The watch sailor (with an ingenuous look):
- Comrade the captain, on 57-th landing gear is not released...
- By a dinner that it was released!!!

The commander calls the sailor:
- You in future life believe?
- No.
- There to you the uncle has arrived, to which you two weeks ago on funeral went.

" dear mum, I have gone to fleet because I liked cleanliness and the order supported on the ships. But only one week ago I have understood, who supports this order and cleanliness ".

About those times when American and our fighters to each other with visits and inspections went...
The Soviet nuclear-powered submersible. The captain has built a crew on a deck and, shocking before itself an empty beer bottle, shouts:
- Who of saws beer on the central post?!
Silence...
- Once again I ask - who of saws beer on the central post?!
Again silence...
At this time on a deck the visitor - the American captain turns out. Approaching to ours кэпу, as though accidentally notices:
- And at us in America beer in banks...
Hаш (is angry waving away):
- YES HЕТ ALREADY YOUR AMERICA... Last time I ask - who opened a bottle about the red button?!!

Стpельбы on the Navy. A volley. Дальномеpщик кpичит:
- 200 metr a falling short!
Master:-Small впеpед! To approach on 200 metr!

There has arrived somehow to the USSR delegation from one young socialist republic., speak help us to organize the Ministry of the Maritime fleet! Hаши him(it) - friends, what for to you such ministry, is not present in fact at you the sea. They - Yes - б-б, and at you the ministry of culture are.

- The boatswain, a barometer has fallen.
- Strongly?
- Into smithereens.

In Pacific ocean has encountered an iceberg and the American aircraft-carrier has sunk. To crew of "Iceberg" the gratitude is declared.

- What happened with a destroyer " Insubmersible? " - the sailor of comrade asks.
- Has sunk.
- How so?
- You saw a rock before an input(entrance) in our cove?
- Yes, certainly
- And they have not noticed her(it).

The warrant officer explains sailors - beginners the device of the ship and informs:
- Power of our destroyer is held on two screws.
- And what, поболе it was impossible to screw? - the sailor asks.

Evening checking on a submersible:
- Ivanov? - I!
- Petrov? - I!
- Sidorov?
-..
- Sidorov!
-..
- Sidorov!!!
- Well I.
- Уф! (Is facilitated) And where you will get to...

The captain (К) the ship in a cabin sits, drinks rum, smokes a tube. Suddenly flinging open a leg the door in a cabin is flown пышущая anger by the barmaid (Б), the woman the size 7X8, with поварежкой in hands.
Б: Hundred тыщ anchors to me...!!!
К: (Phlegmatically) Well...?
Б: Your boatswain, hundred тыщ anchors to it(him)...!!!
К: Well?
Б: Has told..., that storm begins!
К: Well?
Б: Well so I, an anchor to me..., also has allowed itself to tackle to a mast...

On a maritime fleet of the profit for passing urgent service recruits:
- Here to you not a land forces. At us discipline iron, the order very rigid. Remember once and for all the following. On Monday all we rest from пьянки on Sunday. On Tuesday all we prepare as it is necessary to stick in Wednesday. In Wednesday unanimously we stick.
On Thursday we rest. On Friday all we prepare to пьянке on Saturday. On Saturday - пьянка. On Sunday - пьянка. On Monday all we rest from пьянки on Sunday. All have remembered? A voice:
- So it that is received? And every Wednesday we shall stick?!

On August, 31, 1986 there was the largest in a history of the Russian maritime fleet catastrophe: collision in area of Novorossisk of a steam vessel "Admiral Nakhimov" with dry cargo carrier " Peter Vasev " as a result of which 423 persons were lost.
The message of TASS. In connection with call of Soviet dry cargo carrier " Peter Vasev " in harbour area of Mediterranean sea 7-th American fleet has hastily abandoned these waters.

There comes поддатый the boatswain home and speaks the wife:
- You know, lovely, during war on my fault the boat has sunk, it was found out only now, and at me every month will calculate from the salary on 50 roubles.
The unfortunate woman comes to the commander of the ship where its(her) husband serves.
Understand, at me two children! I and so hardly shall take the ends with the ends. I simply beg you: can, all the same it is possible is smaller to calculate from the salary of my husband?
The commander is surprised:
- I shall not understand, in what business?
- Well as, in fact it was found out, that on fault of my husband during war the boat has sunk, and you at him(it) will calculate now on 50 roubles a month.
- It is necessary, what impudent person! I - and on тридцатке pay that for a submersible!

Two submersibles emerge: American and Soviet.
- Where a shore?
- A south - west wind.
- The fool, you hands show!

- Mister the captain, - stuck to the captain especially annoying пассажирка, - and what for on a deck a mast?
- Whether see, if at us coal will be terminated, we can take advantage of her(it) in quality шеста to be repelled...

The ship was in the sea. Time has approached to compare a rate. The navigational officer was lifted in deck house. In half an hour it(he) has brought results of notations to the captain who gloomy having looked on them, has asked:
- As far as they are exact?
- For hundred percent(interests), sir! All ships in visibility limits have acknowledged, that they go in the same port, as we.

The seaman (подружке):
- Well up to what I like today your evening attire!
- But on me anything is not present!
- And so it just is pleasant to me!

- The boatswain, a barometer has fallen.
- Strongly?
- Into smithereens.

There is a boarding to the ship following to Israel. Passes the hour, two, three, and a human flow(stream) all does not come to an end. The man - seeing off, asks the gallant южанина-captain:
- Forgive, at you that, the ship dimensionless?
- Зачэм dimensionless, дарагой - bottomless!

During storm the captain through a loud hailer addresses to passengers:
- I ask men to keep full calmness! Any panic! I have commanded to ship in boats of women and children, to bring them on farther from a vessel only to tell to you one juicy joke!

From a diary of the lady traveling on the liner across Atlantic ocean.
" monday. Passing by me, the captain tenderly has smiled to me.
Tuesday. In the morning the captain has invited me to a captain's bridge...
Environment(Wednesday)... Today the captain has made to me indecent sentence.
Thursday. The captain threatens, that will sink the ship if I shall not concede his(its) harassments.
Friday. As I am happy... This night I managed to salvage from true loss four hundred passengers among whom it is a lot of women and children! "
- The captain! In the ship a breached!
- Where?
- On a port side, water-lines are lower.
- З-б then anything, there it is not appreciable.

- The captain, we founder!
- Distance up to the nearest ground?
- 10 кабельтовых!
- In what direction?
- In vertical!

In the open sea on the ship the navigational officer was ill. After survey of the patient the doctor has reflected.
- The doctor, something serious?
- No, I simply recollect, who else at us is familiar with navigation...

The American seaman from a long-distance campaign writes the letter to the bride:
" you if go where try to look mainly in a floor ".
That - with surprise writes the answer: " Why? " Receives the answer:
" because when I вернусь, you will mainly look in a ceiling ".

Д " Акоста sails on the ship in the company of rich merchants. The strong storm begins, and merchants in horror start to pray:
- My God! My God!
- More silently you! - speaks Д " Акоста - If the God will recollect, that you here, to all of us the end!


The seaman have asked, whether it(he) has made any feats on the sea.
- Certainly, - the answer was. - Once I have salvaged all crew of our battleship.
- Really! How?
- I have shot down the shipboard cook, - the hero has modestly answered.

The ship was in the sea. Time has approached to compare a rate. The navigational officer was lifted in deck house. In half an hour it(he) has brought results of notations to the captain who gloomy having looked on them, has asked:
- As far as they are exact?
- For hundred percent(interests), sir! All ships in visibility limits have acknowledged, that they go in the same port, as we.

The ship sails. On a bridge there is a boatswain and looks in the field-glass:
- The captain, on the right on a side a six-oar boat!
After a while:
- The captain, at the left on a side a six-oar boat!
- The boatswain, clean(remove) вошь from the field-glass!

There has come the sea boy to be employed on a whaling schooner. The old master mariner has explained to it(him) duties, has shown, where койка, the kit locker and a cookhouse, payment, etc. - a word, have agreed. And then the sea boy asks:
- Sir, floating will be prolonged half-year?
- Precisely, сынок.
- And how I shall do without women so much time?
- Oh, it is young - is green... Have gone.
The master mariner has resulted the sea boy in a small empty cabin, where on one wall - topping figure of the bare woman full-scale with bore in an intimate place.
- Well сынок, admire.
- And to try it is possible?
- Try.
Has tried - it was pleasant.
- And still it is possible?
- It is possible.
- And so every day?
- Yes, except for Thursday.
- Why except for Thursday?
- And on Thursdays your turn from that party to stand...

The captain has written down in shipboard magazine: " Today the navigational officer was drunk ". The boatswain has taken offence and has stated, that it was a unique case.
- Sincerely I regret, - the captain has told, - but I should write down all cases, even exclusive.
In some days the navigational officer has written down in magazine: " Today the captain was sober ".

Seamen have caught in the sea a bottle with a note:
" convincingly I ask you to hand over this bottle on your place of acceptance as at us import tare do not accept. The obtained money I ask to send similarly in a bottle which do not accept at you. "

In Atlantic on periscopic depth the Soviet boat dangles(hangs about). Dialogue in the central post:
- The navigational officer, a place (i.e. coordinates).
- What, on х *, the place, yesterday all spirit from devices have blown.
- What there above?
- Liberian the tank vessel.
- Bow, to fight! Start-up!
The tank vessel burns, founders.
- Eternally you, youth to learn(teach) it is necessary. The radio operator, coordinates SOS...
And that to me, the navigational officer, it was last time!!!

Two seamen talk:
- You as learn(find out), what your wife does(makes), while you in floating?
- And it is very simple. I approach(suit) to an entrance and I speak women that is eternal on a shop stick out: " It is healthy бляди! " And they: " It we бляди?! Your wife!... "

The seaman told histories from which at the young woman hair rose on end.
- And I have seen a torpedo which went precisely on our ship, - the story-teller made up to fear.
- About My God! - the woman has exhaled. - I Hope, it was our torpedo?!

Record in the ship log: " Have exchanged identification marks with a unknown vessel ".

The boat of the American coastguard patrols about a shore. A mist. Feature to not see a lot. Suddenly in a mist there is any outline profile.
The commander suffices a loud hailer shouts:
- Immediately define itself!
Silence.
- I have told immediately define myself, differently I in treacle shall carry all of you.
Again silence.
- Thirty more seconds and I open a fire!
Lazy voice from a mist:
- Open fire when will be ready. Before you a battleship "Missouri".

Parade of fleet of allies: our, your, ихние, is shorter - much. And our submarine in surface trim, costs(stands) the captain, all with иголочки in dress uniform. Here from the hatch shout:
- Товарисч the captain, go шти хлябать!
Кэп, being pitched to the hatch: - the Чича-expert!

- Also remember, - the grandmother teaches the grand daughter, - each woman in a life should have only one big love. - And who was your unique love? - Seamen!

Professional requirements to officers of fleet
On fleet of a duty strictly distributing:
1. Everything, up to the senior lieutenant inclusive, should be able to work self-supporting.
2. The captain - lieutenant should be able to organize work.
3. The captain should know 3 ranks, where that is done(made).
4. The captain should be able to report on 2 ranks, where that is done(made).
5. The captain of 1 rank should be able find is self-supporting a place in papers where it(he) should undersign.
6. Admiral should be able undersign is self-supporting there where to it(him) will specify.

The ocean liner sails, passengers drink and have fun.
The captain enters.
- Sirs! There are two news: bad and good. What all over again?
All have cried:
- Good!
- Sirs, we have received eleven "Oscars"!

The captain! In the ship a breached!
Where?
On a port side, water-lines are lower.
- З-б then anything, there it is not appreciable.

The captain, we founder!
Distance up to the nearest ground?
-10 кабельтовых!
-В what direction?
- In vertical!

In the open sea on the ship the navigational officer was ill. After survey of the patient the doctor has reflected.
The doctor, what?
- No, I simply recollect, who else at us is familiar with navigation...

The American seaman from a long-distance campaign writes the letter to the bride: " you if go where try to look mainly in a floor ". That - with surprise writes the answer: " Why? " Receives the answer: " Because when I вернусь, you will mainly look in a ceiling ".

Д " Акоста sails on the ship in the company of rich merchants. The strong storm, and merchants in horror начинаютмолиться begins:
My God! My God!
- More silently you! - speaks Д " Акоста - If the God will recollect, that you here, to all of us the end!

- Mister the captain, - stuck to the captain especially annoying пассажирка, - and what for on a deck a mast?
- Whether see, if at us coal will be terminated, we can take advantage of her(it) in quality шеста to be repelled...

The seaman (girlfreand):
Well up to what I like today your evening attire!
But on me anything is not present!
- And so it just is pleasant to me!

There is a boarding to the ship following to Israel. Passes the hour, two, three, and a human flow (stream) all does not come to an end. The man - seeing off, the asks gallant южанина-captain:
Forgive, at you that, the ship dimensionless?
- What for dimensionless, road - bottomless!

During storm the captain through a loud hailer addresses to passengers:
- I ask men to keep full calmness! Any panic!
I have commanded to ship in boats of women and children, to bring them on farther from a vessel only to tell to you one juicy joke!