The collection of jokes
What the general(common) between the Internet and a penis?
1. At whom it(he) is, rather would not like to leave it(him).
2. At whom it(he) is, count at whom it(him) is not present, the lowest essences.
3. At whom it(him) is not present, recognize, that it is a piece quite good, but do not understand, why
around of him(it) it is so much to noise.
4. At whom it(him) is not present, not against it(him) to try.
5. It(He) has been conceived for transfer of the information essential to preservation of a kind, and
has turned to an entertainment.
6. If not to accept safety measures from him(it) it is possible to pick up a virus.
The programmer has read a fairy tale about репку and speaks:
- I do not know, that they name жучкой! But so it is clear, that without a mousy any toy
will not work!
The muzhik has gone to hospital on analyses. Well as it is necessary has spoiled in спичный boxes.
Passes - the month, two, the wife began to worry. Has rung round all mortuaries, militia,
hospitals. And in one of hospitals speak:
- At us the man with an amnesia lays, under the description is similar to your husband.
That comes:
- Kohl, it I, your wife. What you happened?
The husband:
- I do not remember, I remember only, that there was a company, and they have asked matches...
The teacher at the end of one year спpашивает y yчеников, how yнести two аpбyз? Vovochka
pulls hend.
The teacher say:
- Вовочка sit, the end of year repeat there is nothing us.
Тyт rises Танечка and говоpит:
- I would take one аpбyз in однy pyкy and дpyгой in дpyгyю.
- The good fellow Tanechka, - говоpит yчительница. - And how it is possible пеpенести тpи аpбyза?-
спpашивает yчительница.
Вовочка again pulls pyкy.
- Hет, Вовочка, you sit, - говоpит yчилка.
Rises Вася and говоpит:
- I would take one in однy pyкy дpyгой in дpyгyю, and тpетий would spread on мyжское
advantage.
- What is such?! - возмyщается yчилка, - if it I would tell Вовочка still
has understood.
Тyт rises Вовочка and говоpит:
- And I could take five аpбyзов.
To the teacher began интеpесно - as?
- One I would take in однy pyкy, дpyгой in дpyгyю, and on the мyжское advantage I
would spread Васю.
Pushkin with two fans on park walks. Go, go on avenue and suddenly one
speaks:
- Alexander Sergeevich, you so much already products have invented, well compose
something for us!
Persuaded it(him), persuaded, at last it(he) has agreed.
Has looked around, suddenly sees: the huge pool, and in it(her) any drunk rolls.
The poet has had a look at this picture, and has thought up lines:
- On our vital way
The lifeless body lays...
And from a pool it is suddenly distributed:
- AND THOSE, MUDAK, WHAT BUSINESS?!!!
You would go with.... ями SO go!!!
Pushkin:
-Ой, let's go, young ladies, it is Lermontov!
The teacher (У) at school asks a question:
- At whom the biggest eggs?
Вовочка (В) answers:
- At the elephant
(У) - Leave! In school with parents!
Results (В) in шкоу the daddy (П):
(У) - your son speaks platitudes
(П) - And what it(he) has told?
(У) - That the biggest eggs at the elephant
(П) - And a right answer?
(У) - At an ostrich
(П) - And so why it(he) wrote such slow waltzes...
- Who дежypный on кyхня?
- I!
- Почемy лавpовый a sheet in сyп do not put?
- So in fact not жpyт, товаpищ генеpал.
comes (м) ужик into a compartment. Looks lays (д) еваха.
(м) - hello, - (д) is silent
(м) - can love we shall engage, - silence well (м) has climbed on it(her), has made business and
speaks:
(м) - thanks!
(д) - carry on health!;)
The student comes in a drugstore and speaks:
- Give me please a condom.
Modern saleswoman:
- To you to pull or turn?
The usual deodorant only hides a smell of sweat. New deodorant FА operates
in another way: it(he) kills bacteria, is soaked up through a leather(skin), will penetrate into blood,
reaches nervous cells(cages), stops breath. Dead do not sweat!
- The religious holiday most esteemed by homosexuals - Easter.
- Why?
- This day it is accepted eggs стукаться...
There is a lecture on sexology. The professor:
- At the sexual certificate(act) at people the body temperature raises on one degree!
And there and then addresses to the student who has taken a nap after drunk sleepless night.
- Repeat! What have I told?
The student has jumped up! Well here to it(him) people as could, on hands, a pantomime, whisper
have prompted. The student:
- At the sexual certificate(act) at people the body temperature raises on one degree!
The professor:
- Correctly! Sit!
The student there and then sat and was cut down. The professor:
- And at the sexual certificate(act) at birds the temperature raises on two degrees!
And again to the student:
- Repeat please!
And that has jumped up and looks around in searches of the help, all audience simulates sexual
the certificate(act) and hands as wings waves also fingers figure two показывют. Well the student:
- And that the body temperature has risen on two degrees it is necessary драть so that feathers
flied!
- And turn Daddy Karlo a log head over heels - and all could be absolutely
in another way, - longed Мальвина, looking on long nose Буратино.
Wakes up (А) лкаш after roughly lead(roughly carried out) night at home. Also has decided to call
(Д) ругу at which drank.
А: It you Вася? Well we yesterday have touched already a glitch has gone! Especially when a lemon on
to table on thin legs ran!
Д: So it you the reptile (it is heard всхлип), my canary, in tea has squeezed out!?
Once the young system administrator, having opened the letter box, has found there the agenda in РВК.
- Again this чертов the spam, - has growled it(he), nervously breaking off her(it) in клочья.
Леночка good матом shouts:
- Mum, mum, to me Вовочка фак has shown!
Mum resorts to children in a room and suffices Вовочку the bastard for an ear and starts
to carry on a room. That shouts, чио any факов it(he) did not show. Маманя already
has got a bit tired and starts to doubt, the truth can nothing also showed? She(it)
throws an ear and asks Ленку, that it(he) has shown it(her). That sticks out a palm - all 5
the spred wide fingers. Mum:
- And all? This is normal, Lena!
Lena:
- Yes, normally? Five факов is normally?
Aliens on the ground have arrived(flied) and muzhiks see sit thump. Well they him(it) and
speak:
- If you of us than нибудь do not surprise we you убъем.
Muzhiks have thought and have decided to dig the muzhik in the ground, х*й to leave on a surface.
Aliens and muzhiks arrive(fly) next day speak:
- See there a flower costs(stands). If his(its) time you will touch that it(he) will grow, if once again it(he)
it is even more вырастит and if once again you will touch that pollen will give.
Aliens have thought and have decided to try. All at them has turned out. But then one
from them has asked:
- What will be if a flower to cut down?
Here the voice from under the ground was distributed:
- And if cut down, there will be malicious roots and such пи$дюлей will give...
The man asks the child:
- The boy, you want конфетку?
- I want, дяденка, but very much попка it hurt.
- Why you were late, expensive(dear)?
- I was not late. I work here round the clock. And completely not expensive(dear).
Fire. Burns the multi-storey house. On a roof any person rushes. Below all
burns. The house just about will fail. The crowd from below looks with замиранием hearts. Suddenly from
crowds the old grandfather leaves, shouts:
- Эй, the muzhik, be not afraid! Щас we shall help you! Catch a cord!
The muzhik catches a cord.
- Quickly tie a cord around of a belt(zone)!
The muzhik ties round a cord. Suddenly the grandfather as will pull a cord from all force. The poor creature
falls from a roof and it is broken to death. The crowd surrounds the grandfather:
- You of that the grandfather, a benbane have overeaten?
- I understand nothing... Only yesterday so the person from колодца has rescued!...
What for to get drunk and creep, when it is possible to smoke and fly?
- Серега, what is pleasant to you more - ФУ*ХЎТФэ I Attract once or Васю two times?
- Attracting is, certainly, Attracting, but two times are two times!
Muster in army:
- Ivanov?
- I!
- Petrov?
- I!
- Череззаборногузадерищинский?
- I!
- Not Х*n to itself a surname...
- I!
- Well пи$дец!!!
- Not пи$дец, and пи$децы. We two brothers twins!
Last record from чёрго a box of the fallen plane:
- Daddies, and daddies, give порулить!
In village epidemic тpиппеpа. Long очеpедь to венеpологу.
Past очеpеди пpобегает the muzhik:
- Здоpово, тpиппозники!
- And you че, whether are not present that?
- Hет, I to the oculist.
- And че with you?
- Yes, when ссу, eyes on a forehead climb.
Two lay in bed.
- Well as, Машенька!
- I not Машенька, I - Сереженька!
- All the same well!
After long spring hibernation the Bear wakes up. And around all white is white...
Bear:
- Features, again not that paw sucked!
I shall sell a Muslim edging board.
Сжалились above ламеpом добpые people, have explained, that such RTFM. A pier, аббеpевиатуpа
such - Read The Fucking Manual.
" And пpичем here it? " - has thought ламеp, but "Камасутpу" all the same has bought.
Dishes of national kitchen(cuisine):
Boiled water on - чукотски with ice.
Shish kebab from a cap.
Манты with хантами.
Каштанка, the friend to the person, on - корейски.
Harakiri in own paunch.
Pies on - татарски with an onions(a bow) and стрелами.
Fish dishes:
Спинка a pollack, the head of a pollack, хвостик a pollack, a leg of a pollack, the handle of a pollack, детки
pollack in tomato sauce.
Firm dishes:
Yesterday's hot already in nurseries горшочках on domestic.
Pie slightly burnt " Well and a horse-radish with it(him) "
Confectionery products:
Tubules water with a cream.
Hard liquor
Boiled water.
Vodka wheaten, buckwheat, pearl-barley, semolina.
Gasoline З-76
Seven times отпей - once отлей!
Петя goes on meeting, and Митя goes on a petting.
Than хакеp differs from юзеpа?
Хакеp подбиpает паpоль with тpетьего pаза, and юзеp набиpает from the fifth.
- Hallo! Hallo! Forgive, and Masha it is possible?
- And who asks her(it)?
- Really! And who in general asks her(it)?! That at 10.00 was at me!
Whether it is possible to name products sausage, if from them not колбасит?
There is a red cap on a wood with pies, has sat down to have a rest, stops
the machine, leaves the wolf.
- Where you go, a cap?
- Yes, I carry pies to the grandmother... At it(her) today birthday.
- You know, a cap, I director of wood radio, can congratulate сво
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