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Erotic jokes


The camomile and cornflower blossom on a wood glade.
- A camomile, you love me?
- I like.
- And you want me?
- I want.
- More soon these bees would arrive(fly)!

* * *

While the husband there was no house, to the wife there has come its(her) new lover - Carlson.
Suddenly a bell at a door. What to do(make)?
Here Carlson was found.
- At me a propeller! And in a window.
The husband has gone.
- Who at you was?
- Was nobody.
- I ask - who?!
- Yes was nobody!
- Well, and whose it then trousers with a propeller?

* * *

Today on a stage of our theatre an erotic drama in three certificates(acts).

* * *

The young man with the girl sit on a shop. The young man very constraining.
the girl would like, that it(he) has kissed her(it), she(it) and speaks:
- Ой, щечка it hurt in me!
The young man kisses her(it) in щечку.
- Well as, now, it hurt?
- No, it do not hurt.
After a while:
- Ой, шейка it hurt in me!
It(He) of her(it) чмок in шейку:
- Well, how, it hurt?
- No, it do not hurt.
Beside the old man sits and asks:
- The young man, you from a hemorrhoids do not treat?

* * *

Goes Red шапочка on a wood, bears(carries) to the grandmother корзинку with pies,
behind footfall of legs(foots). Looks - crowd of goofs - off, the person ten. Well, thinks,
now will rape. And that not мучаться, has removed(has taken off) cowards, has lain and waits.
Hears, footfall was carried by past, opens eyes - cowards and корзинки is not present.
Goes further. Towards again that gang is born(carried)... Now
will precisely rape, thinks Шапочка and ложится on the ground. Crowd past
has flown. Opens eyes sees: empty корзинка, and in it(her) cowards and
note: " to the Grandmother pies have attributed(related), cowards have washed. Timur and his(its) command(team) ".

* * *

Two women go in an electric train: one young, one old and three
men.
The structure in a tunnel calls in, the sound of a kiss, and after it(him) is distributed-
sound of a slap in the face.
Young thinks: " her(it), the old woman, kiss... Would be not Present, me have kissed! "
Old thinks: " See you, youth have gone. Kiss the first
passers! "
The first the man thinks: " Once again in a tunnel we shall come - once again to a kiss! "
The second thinks: " Once again will kiss - once again I shall cut! "
The third thinks: " Once again will cut - at the following stop I shall go out! "

* * *

The traveller wants to buy to the wife in a gift лифчик. The seller wants
to learn(find out) the size:
- Well though under the form, that it: a peach, яблочко, small дынька?
- Ears спаниеля...

* * *

There were two friends. At one in hands a box with the TV.
- Where you have taken such deficiency?
- Yes, descended(went) to Нюрке, have drunk, had a snack, and then she(it) on a bed
has flopped, yes as will beg: " Вася, take from me the most expensive(dear)! "

* * *

Two cocks sit on a fence in city: city and rural.
Miss. Rural here also speaks:
- Give, whether that покукарекаем?
- Give better in cookery we descend(go) - at naked hens we shall look.

* * *

There are two friends. One brags:
- Was going to marry...
- I congratulate... And on whom, if not a secret?
- Yes you know her(it). Tatyana from Melitopol.
- You in the mind(wit)? This last woman! With it(her) all Melitopol
has overslept! You even to think cease about a marriage!
In half-year meet again.
- How your affairs?
- Yes, married.
Is on whom?
- Yes on Tatyana from Melitopol.
- As you could! I warned you! With it(her) all Melitopol
has overslept!
- Yes I have visited to this Melitopol. So... Small, in general
small town...

* * *

Evening in a police station of Paris. The attendant a file cleans nails.
The policeman runs in:
- Мсье, in parkway Kaputsinov, prostitutes fight with gays!
The attendant continues to clean nails:
- Well and as there ours!

* * *

- How the man which wants refers to, but cannot?
- The impotent man!
- And which can, but does not want?
- The swine.

* * *

On reception at the sexopathologist:
- The doctor, my husband the impotent man on all of 200 percent(interests)!
- How so?! Well for hundred percent(interests) I understand...
- So it also was, but yesterday it(he) has faltered and has bitten language.

* * *

There is along the street бабуля, and it(her) towards completely nude maiden. Бабуля
was indignant:
- You that, lovely, сдурела?
- Yes is not present, бабуля, the erotic dress is simple on me!
- So you all over again an iron would iron it(him)...

* * *

The woman gives birth, yes in any way will not be delivered.
The doctor advises it(her):
- Know, accept initial position...
- I can not, the doctor, it was in the machine, and legs(foots) sticked out on windows...

* * *

Of what women think, looking on a ceiling?
The mistress: - Will come - will not come?
The prostitute: - Will pay - will not pay?
The wife: - Will whitewash - will not whitewash?

* * *

On a railway strip near Paris the couple makes love.
The express train comes nearer. Машинист, having seen them, starts to signal heart-rendingly, and
then includes emergency braking. The express train stops literally in
meter from a couple. Машинист jumps out and with strong abuse runs up to
to couple.
At this time the young man rises, clasps(buttons) trousers and
disarming smile speaks:
- Мсье, someone from us should stop. Excuse, I could not...

* * *

The wife has hidden the lover in a case. That has stayed midnight in a case, not
has sustained, put on a fur coat and began to creep out of a case quietly. Here the husband
has woken up:
- You who?
- I? Моль...
- And where a fur coat has incurred(carried)?
- At home eat!

* * *

Lecture in сельхозинституте. The professor:
- One healthy bull - manufacturer should have in day up to twelve
copulations...
Female voice from the first lines:
- Forgive, the professor, how many?
- Up to twelve.
- Repeat, please, for last lines!
Man's voice from last lines:
- Tell, the professor, the question is copulations with one cow or with
twelve?
- With twelve, certainly...
- Thanks, repeat, please for the first lines...

* * *

The husband comes back home, the wife does not know where to hide the lover. In
last moment she(it) guesses to put it(him) on kitchen(cuisine) as antique
statues.
Is that? - the husband asks.
- I at Петровых saw and too have bought. Now it in a fashion!
Have gone to bed, at night the husband has risen, has left on kitchen(cuisine), has prepared for tea,
sandwiches also has stretched to "statue".
- To eat you want?
- Ага...
- You eat, I know, when at Петровых stood - any reptile has not taken care...

* * *

The son approaches to the daddy:
- The daddy and how I have turned out?
- When your mum was козочкой, and yours the daddy козликом, we skipped,
skipped and were hopped...
The son goes to mum:
- Mum, the daddy has told, that when you were козочкой, and it(he) козликом, you
скакакли, skipped and I have turned out?
- No, the son, all was not so. When I was a swallow, and the uncle
Федя орлом, we flied, flied and were reached. And yours the daddy as was a goat
and has remained!

* * *

The husband from the wife get divorced. The judge asks, in what the reason of divorce?
The wife:
- It(He) has tortured me. The patient какойто.. It is Not enough it(him) night! Began also in the afternoon
to stick.
And you that tell?
- Yes I and now want.
- You to the doctor went?
- Ага. It(he) has told, that at me - a sclerosis.

* * *

Silent hour per a kindergarten. The leader of average group gets acquainted with
the newcomer:
- Heard, you as call?
- Силеза.
- And how old are you?
- Probably ситыле.
- And to зенсинам pulls?
- Not - and.
- Means not ситыли, and plant louses!

* * *

The girl costs(stands) on a balcony, and past there is a man.
The girl suddenly as will shout:
- The man! I am afraid of you!
- Of that it you of me are afraid?
- And you will rape me.
- As I shall rape you, if I below, and you on a balcony?!
- And I now to you shall go down...

* * *

Examination in мединституте. The examiner: - And now, the girl, that you
can tell about a man's genital? - I am right, I do not know... To me
it seemed, that it is such bone of centimeters in 25 length.
- М-yes... Well, that is a bone - really seemed to you, and in
the rest has simply carried!

* * *

Has come Буратино to daddy Karlo:
- The daddy, and I with Мальвиной have got acquainted!
- Well also what? - As it that?
Make to me a knot!
Has made Карло to the son a knot. Has left Буратино and soon has returned back.
- Well as, сынок, Мальвина it is pleased?
- And what for to me Мальвина, at me наждачка is!

* * *

Bell at a door:
- The neighbour, in group sex учавствовать will be?
- And who is still planned?
- I, you and your wife.
- Well is not present, so I do not want.
- All right, then you we delete...

* * *

Вовочка peeps, as mum to the daddy make love.
Suddenly hears:
- Dear, you whom want: " the Boy or the girl? "
- Well, now - the girl...
In some minutes the daddy leaves a bedroom.
Вовочка removes trousers and substitutes to the priest:
- The daddy, and I want a sabre, felt-tip pens and a bicycle!

* * *

Conversation of two girlfriends:
- Ой, you know, I have decided to sell the import sofa.
- Yes you that, from mind(wit) have left? Why?
- It(He) reminds all time to me of change to the husband.
- Well you allow! Yes if I have sold all that reminds me about
to change to the husband, at me in an apartment except for a lamp shade and an iron of nothing
remained!

* * *

Leonid Iljich, what you like more, New year or the sexual certificate(act)?
- New year!
- And why?
- It(He) happens is more often.

* * *

The guy invites the girl to dance:
- The girl, you it is possible?
- It is possible, only all over again we shall dance.

* * *

- The girl, you can be invited to a cup of coffee!
- It is possible, only in bed to not smoke!

* * *

The French ask:
- You during the sexual certificate(act) talk to the husband?
- Yes, if a number(line) is phone.

* * *

In the bus elderly, but playfully adjusted Frenchman sits opposite
ladies who does not hide beautiful legs.
- I allow hundred francs, madam if you will a little raise the юбочку,
it(He) whispers.
Lady with a smile raises and, having received promised, hides a denomination in
handbag also adds:
- Still it is so much, and I shall show you that place where to me cut out аппендици
т...
Мсье immediately entrusts it(her) one more denomination.
- Here, - lady speaks and shows in a window on clinic, past
which they pass.

* * *

" Интердевочка Light Муравьева has declared the body a zone free
businesses ".

* * *

Morning dialogue:
- Lovely, you know, when I shall shave in the morning, I feel on ten
than years is younger.
- Instead of you could have a shave in the evening?

* * *

The husband from a resort has returned, the wife has prepared for a supper with a bottle, all in
expectation something the newcomer.
- Tell, you want still something? - has asked playfully already in bed.
- Yes - and.. I would drink hundred more gramme.
- In a refrigerator it is secreted чекушка - go bitterns, - has submissively sighed
the wife. - I expected, that you will want. Come back somewhat quicker.
The husband has returned, has lain. Is silent.
- Well, and now?
- I still would drink.
Again on kitchen(cuisine), again back. Has lain. Silence.
- Well, - last time the wife (not so playfully) asks, - and
now?.. Whether it would be desirable you something such, brand new?
The husband has resolutely shuddered:
- Слазь from a bed... ј-ј-ј.. Also rest hands about a carpet. And now I
i shall get out on you from above... М-so... Now carry me on kitchen(cuisine) - there in
refrigerator fifty more the gramme remained.

* * *

- Маруська where you stockings have torn it?
- For the tank it was hooked.
- For what tank?
- Yes on погонах.

* * *

Two eighty-year-old are sent in wedding travel. In
the first night they slowly, with an anticipation undress and ложатся in bed,
the husband takes a hand of the wife in the and holds her(it), does not fall asleep yet. The same
repeats in the second and a third of night. In the evening of the fourth day the husband again
tries to take a hand of the girlfriend, but she(it) stops it(him):
- Not today, lovely. I have a headache...

* * *

Poor memory: whether to that I allowed?

* * *

Sexual weakness: cannot give up to anybody.

* * *

Flower and the Bumblebee (dialogue):
- You like?
- I like
- You marry?
- No.
- Слазь.

* * *

Englishman and Russian.
- I usually get acquainted with lady in a bar. We sit in "Mercedes" and we go to
to me on загороднюю a country house. We drink coffee with cognac, we listen to easy music,
then in bed. There is a set of receptions how to cause in it(her) a maximum
оргазмов to satisfy her(it) completely. I give it(her) expensive(dear) things in the morning, I bring in
city, and at parting I allow three thousand...
- And I usually get acquainted in a tram. If at it(her) is half-litre, we go to
it(Her). I allow трешку and, - on a folding bed. And when I leave in the morning and I take away трешку,
she(It) in ecstasy.

* * *

Comrades, today I to you shall read lecture on a theme "Syphilis". But all over again
- small lyrical digression.
As now I remember, we sat with the friend in park on a shop, studied
abstracts on a history of a party(set). What? What party(set)?... Yes at us then was
one party(set). A history known... And so, the girl sits near to us and
too gets the abstract. We get acquainted together to learn(teach) one history. But
the friend invites the girl at cinema, they leave. They have left, and I have miscalculated.
And the friend has remained without a nose.
So, lecture on a syphilis...

* * *

Question to the prostitute:
- And how you have a good time after work?

* * *

- I would like to become the well-known movie star that about me spoke
all world!
- You have not enough, what all street speaks about you?

* * *

- Well and упрямец you, the young man! The rascal! I in fact yesterday spoke you: "No".
- З-б so it there were you!

* * *

If джентельмен has named lady road, means, lady is necessary for it(him)
more cheaply.

* * *

Whether should джентельмен shower a leg(foot) on a leg(foot), if one leg(foot) not it(him)?

* * *

Do not postpone work on Saturday, and еб... ю on an old age!

* * *

The prostitute hands over money in the Parisian bank.
- Madam, - the employee, sorry, but money false speaks it(her)!
- My God, - she(it) shouts, - leaves me have raped!

* * *

Джентельмен, having decided to get on credit the automobile, finds out, that
it(He) does not have not enough money to the first payment. In the evening it(he) grievously tells
about it to the wife.
- Be not upset, lovely, - consoles his(its) spouse. - At me on the account
five thousand dollars.
- I have taken to myself for a rule to postpone dollar every time, as we with
you we are engaged in love.
- My God, - the struck husband has made, - if I knew about it
earlier, I for a long time would give up the work and have undertaken you seriously...

* * *

- You heard, in our staff(state) from afar the new law, according to which
changing clothes in a bathing suit directly on a beach is forbidden.
Is me at all does not excite. I usually change clothes in the bus, on
to road to a beach.

* * *

On rehearsal. The director to a young actress:
- I am afraid, you should replace your air - transparent dress.
Young actress:
- But it to me so goes!
The director:
- You are right, but in the next stage when your groom speaks you:
" dear, admit, you from me hide something ", it sounds as a joke.

* * *

- Boris, - asks by phone the wife, - you checked - today
circulation cash and prize лотореи... You have won something?
- X.. й has won, - with insult the spouse has answered.
- So you look, do not take in head to take money!

* * *

Conversation of girlfriends.
- You sometime saw eyes of the husband during time миньета?
- Yes! I was engaged миньетом when the husband has unexpectedly gone. You not
you imagine to itself what eyes were at him(it)!

* * *

In the overflown tram the woman asks the neighbour:
- Forgive, you at the following stop do not leave?
- No.
- Then finish faster, to me to leave.

* * *

In shop.
- At you the soap is?
- Is only egg.
- It is a pity, I wanted to be washed all.

* * *

The public house.
The mistress of a house shouts:
- Louise, Louise, do not give sir to - it(he) has given false dollar!

* * *

- What is the ideal husband and what такае the ideal lover?
- The ideal husband having come home, and having found the wife with the lover, will tell:
- You here while stop, and I shall go I shall prepare for coffee.
- The ideal lover - the one who in this situation can finish.

* * *

There are two friends.
- How your affairs?
- Yes I suspect, that my wife to me changes with пекарем. Each time
opening bed, I find out in it(her) grain crumbs.
- А. And.. And. Now and I start to suspect, that my wife to me changes
with слесамрем from ours ЖЭКа.
- You that, in bed find tools?
- Yes is not present. You understand, how I shall come home so the mechanic lays in ours
beds.

* * *

There is a turn for морковкой.
- To me, please, the thickest, - the customer asks.
- And me потоньше and is longer.
- And me, please, for a borshch.

* * *

Вовочка comes to the doctor and asks:
- The uncle the doctor, and the seven-year girl can become pregnant?
- No.
- Шантажистка!

* * *

She(It) fished, and it(he) fried her(it)

* * *

- The doctor, at my wife on a juicy place red hair grow.
- Really it prevents you?
- Yes at all, but friends are dared

* * *

- I today from rape have rescued the girl.
- How?
- I have persuaded her(it).

* * *

The husband has bought boots. Has come home, and nobody notices. Has gone to a bath.
Leaves naked in new boots.
- The daddy, what it at you hangs? - the small daughter asks.
- And it, a daughter, the index on boots.
The wife: - Better you would buy a hat!

* * *

At the international competition миньетчиц the first place has borrowed(occupied) madam,
collected in a mouth language cube Рубика.

* * *

Conversation in bed:-... And the salary at you too small

* * *

The wife has brought home a bottle of vodka, has put her(it) in a bar and speaks:
- Let will stand. There can be to us someone will come, and can also we to whom
let's go.
At night the wife has clung to the husband, and it(he) to it(her):
- Let will stand. I can where I shall go, and can and to me who will come.

* * *

There comes the man for work and tells to the colleagues:
- I have called on the mistress. Only were going to lie in bed
- the husband at a door calls. The mistress speaks:
- Take an iron and linen iron. I kiss a heap of linen have ironed. Here one of
colleagues as will laugh!
- You were on Soviet 3, an apartment 10?
- Yes.
- And I there the day before yesterday washed all linen.

* * *

The friendship friendship but where to put либидо

* * *

In a monastery:
- Sacred father, whether can to catch a cold soul?
- Yes that you, my son, soul it as air.
- And I go yesterday past кельи the hegumen and I hear, it(he) speaks:
- My soul, do not go barefoot пополу, you will catch cold.

* * *

The collective-farm machine operator has lead(has carried out) a heavy season of work and has received the permit
on the south. To sanatorium has arrived at night. Has woken up in the morning, has left on a balcony and sees
sea beach усеян female bodies.
- Yes, here you will not have a rest. Works a plenty.

* * *

One builder has stayed three years in Africa. Worked under the contract.
At last comes back home, at the airport his(its) comrades meet. It(he) leaves
grown thin, sunburnt, in a hand a suitcase with motley labels, and on a shoulder
sits small обезьянка. It(he) is surrounded by friends.
- Well, how in Africa?
- It is tired, guys, terribly.
- Вань, and how there in Africa with women?
- With products guys, poorly, all it is bought in the market.
- Вань, you tell, how there with women?
- Heat terrible, at night cool.
- Well you to us all about heat, how with women - that there?
Обезьянка pulls Ваню an ear!
- Daddies, and daddies, well tell him(it) about women.

* * *

It(He) and she(it) make love. She(it) to it(him): - Вась, you love me? It(he) to it(her):
- And I that do(make)? She(it) to it(him): - Вась, can we shall get married? It(he) to it(her): - All right,
let's phone.

* * *

In America have collected statistics: for what reasons of the man rise at night
from bed.
5 % - to descend(go) in a toilet.
15 % - to go for work in a night shift.
80 % - to put on and go home.

* * *

Lord asks the servant:
Tell, James, what horses you prefer?
- Whether see, sir when I go on black, for some reason would be desirable me
to skip on sulfur, and when I on sulfur I think about black.
- And you prefer what women, James? Blondes or brunettes?
- Whether see, sir...
- It is not necessary, James, I has understood.

* * *

Lord celebrates wedding. After wedding visitors - bachelors go in
the public house also find there lord. They are shocked.
- Sir, why you here, in fact at you a young beauty the wife?
- The crumb so is tired, that at once has fallen asleep. Whether it was necessary to awake her(it) because of
any several foots.

* * *

- Tell, you it is casual not the son of old man Karamovicha?
- Yes, the son but that "is casual", I hear for the first time.

* * *

- You believe, what the love can be eternal?
- Certainly. Only partners vary.

* * *

- Доченька why you do not want to leave in marriage for the father of your future
the child?!
- But, mummy as I can leave in marriage for the person which almost
i know.

* * *

Present(True) джентельмен will always pass(miss) lady forward, if a cut(section) on her(it)
dress behind.

* * *

You would demand divorce if has learned(has found out), what the husband to you changes?
- Has become stupid?! For such it also to award...

* * *

Вань, and Вань, and what such a counter plan?
- Well, for example, we shall tell you to me you speak:
- Give, Vanyusha, two times today!
- And I to you - a counter plan:
- No, Мань, give three! Though both we know, what even one plainly not
will leave!

* * *

- To what to women of a miniskirt?
- To learn(find out) ours макси opportunities.

* * *

Turn to the gynecologist. The man approaches to a cabinet(study) and asks, who
last.
- You understand, speak it(him), is a turn to the gynecologist.
- Well, it(he) also is necessary for me.
- But you understand... He/she is the female doctor.
- And tell, it(he) спиральки puts it?
- Yes, it(he).
- Well, then, it(he) also removes.

* * *

The young pair comes to the sexopathologist. The husband complains, that they recently
have got married, but for the lack of experience, it(he) does not know what to do(make) with the wife.
The doctor invites the wife to lie on a couch and shows to his(its) husband
matrimonial duties.
- Now you understand, what you should do(make) with the wife? - asks
the doctor.
- About yes, the doctor! But if you will be sometimes borrowed(occupied), to whom to me then her(it)
messages.

* * *

In the erotic play there was only one action, but how many certificates(acts)!

* * *

The woman washes in the general(common) bath комунальной apartments, and the neighbour began on
the stool in a corridor also looks through glass top of a door. She(it) has noticed
also speaks:
- Well, that has stared, the naked woman did not see?
- You are necessary for me! I look, you are washed by whose soap!

* * *

- Lovely, why at you such long eyelashes?
- And it I in the childhood cried much.
- Better you would write more...

* * *

- Whether his(its) work satisfies the Soviet engineer?
- Certainly. In the morning when the Soviet engineer goes in the bus for work,
it(He) with interest looks at nice women. In the evening, when it(he)
comes back from work, at women does not look any more.
Work of it(him) completely means satisfies...

* * *

In opera theatre there comes the singer to get a job:
- Tell, where here at you a sofa on which voices check?

* * *

In. Сексонске release of new erotic magazine is started: " Technics(Technical equipment) for
youth "

* * *

Night. The wife unwillingly потирает also starts to pull down eyes vigorously
blanket from the husband.
- What? Again? - it(he) beggarly exclaims.
- Yes is not present, for work it is time.
- Ur! For work! For work!

* * *

The husband furiously runs on small poor квартирке. Jumps up to
to the wife:
- No, well you tell to me: you could change to me with another's the man
for hundred roubles?!
The wife is indignant:
- My God, how you can so of me to think? Unless I allowed an occasion
to insults?
- No, you answer, - the husband is not appeased. - And for one thousand roubles?!
- Well road, you know, how we hardly live. Probably, you could
me to forgive and understand...
- Rather! - the husband Shouts and jumps up to the daughter: - And you could
to be given the african for 50 dollars?
- The daddy! - the daughter rushes to tears. As you can is my father - so
to think of me?!
- Well all right! - father shouts. And for hundred, for two hundred dollars - could?!
- Well, the daddy, you with mum so earn - probably, you me a little
has understood.
- My God! - the husband sits on a stool and sadly embraces a head
hands. - Two whores of a house - and we live, as beggars!

* * *

The twelve-year girl plays to a sandbox.
The muzhik with a gun approaches:
- Девка to live you want?
- With you, whether that, a goat?!

* * *

In a public toilet near long писуара there is a turn of men,
does(Makes) the business. One more here comes. Removes trousers, sits, but
on - женски.
One of present has not sustained and asks:
- Excuse for curiosity. And why you so, on женски?
- Yes yesterday it(he), a reptile, so has brought me, that in hands to take disgustingly...

* * *

The guide in the bus:
- And now we pass by the most known brothel in Las Vegas.
The Soviet tourist jumps from a place:
- And why???

* * *

Two Englishmen fish. At one pecks, it(he) cuts and
pulls out the charming mermaid. Having admired her(it), it(he) removes her(it) from a hook and
stops back in water. The second is surprised:
- But why?
- But how?

* * *

Jesus Christ has made the way through crowd to the woman with whom showered
stones, also has taken her(it) for a hand:
- Let the one who without a sin, the first will throw in it(her) a stone!
The crowd has grown dumb. Suddenly through heads of people has whistled a cobble-stone.
The Christ is angry has turned back:
- Well, how many it is possible to speak you, mother - do not climb in my affairs!

* * *

The guy during a film festival has got acquainted with the girl - испанкой and
has invited in its(her) evening to itself home. In the afternoon it(he) resorts to the
to the friend - to the doctor:
- You understand, I in the evening испанку have on a visit invited, and you know - there
such hot women... Well, in general, you would give me something such,
that to me before it(her) to not swear at one another.
The doctor - friend has registered to it(him) tablets, the guy of them has accepted, as was
it is specified in the recipe. Next day they again meet:
- Well, tell, how you yesterday?
- Perfectly, eight times.
- And she(it)?
- And she(it) has not come...

* * *

- The girl, you now descend(go)?
- Descend(Go) only from mind(wit).
- Well then you leave?
- Leave only in marriage.
- Well you then do(make)?
- Вылазию!
- About, excuse, I did not know, that at you today birthday!..

* * *

Two friends talk:
- That on fishing you do not go?
- Yes, you understand, the wife does not let.
- And you do(make) as I. Since Friday all I prepare, in the morning on Saturday
i throw back полог blankets, I look at back of the wife and I speak: " Well and задница ".
She(It) takes offence, we quarrel. I for a fishing tackle - and on fishing. And I come in the evening
and we are reconciled.
The friend and has made. Has prepared since evening of tackle. Has cast away полог in the morning
blankets:
- Well and задница... And well her(it), that fishing!

* * *

The Frenchmen, the husband and the wife, have not quarrelled nearly, deciding(solving), in what color
to paint a ceiling of a bedroom. The husband wanted blue, and the wife insisted on
pink. To solve this question without damage to vanity each other, they
have left on street and have addressed for advice(council) to the passer-by.
- I think, the passer-by has answered, - it is better to you to paint a ceiling of a bedroom in
pink color
- Why-?
- Whether see, your wife sees a ceiling of a bedroom, than you is more often...
- You that, from a province?..

* * *

How women of the different countries concern to husbands at lovers?
The American:
- John, I think, you will not prevent me to do(make) my small business.
The French:
- Jean, move! Поль jump to us!
Russian: - Вася, only not in a muzzle! Tomorrow for work!
Украинка: - Тарасе, це ти? And це хто? Ой, I така затуркана, така
затуркана...

* * *

- A daughter, who this young man who kissed you yesterday
in the evening?
- And in which to hour, папочка?

* * *

- Tell to me, Джонни, you spy sometimes in a keyhole,
when we with your sister are locked in this room?
- Yes, it happens, but it when there does not look the daddy or sister Betti.

* * *

- What you timid, - have derisively told the pretty girl
to the young guy.
- Yes, in this respect I all in the father.
- Your father too was such скромняга?
- Very much. Mother spoke, that if it(he) was not such modest, I was
for three years is more senior.

* * *

In a night club of Chicago of the compere has declared a future issue. Fires
погасли, the projector has illuminated the long-haired essence which has slipped out on
stage.
- About my God, - the husband, - who has whispered it, the girl or the young man.
- Well as I can learn(find out)? - the wife has answered. - you See, all signs
are covered with a guitar.

* * *

- Эй, youth! - father from a bedroom has cried. - Already o'clock in the morning. You that,
think to remain together till the morning?
- Thanks! - the in love young man has exclaimed. - But me at first it is necessary
home to call.

* * *

There are two girlfriends.
- Well as home life?
- Perfectly. My husband last month has absolutely changed: looks after for
children, prepares for a meal, goes shopping, erases, cleans(removes) in an apartment - in
the general(common) does(makes) all.
- Well, whether you know, expensive(dear), to you has simply carried. As you of it
has achieved?
- Whether you see, it(he) has read in the newspaper clause(article), that if the mistress not so
gets tired, she(it) behaves in bed more actively.
- Well and how, it has helped?
- To tell the truth, I do not know. By the end of day it(he) hardly reaches a bed.

* * *

The patient calls to the doctor home:
- About mountain! My son was ill a scarlet fever. The most awful that it(he)
has caught, having kissed our servant.
The doctor успокаивающе:
- Do not worry, young people always act thoughtlessly.
The patient:
- But a trouble that I too kissed this girl.
The doctor is surprised:
- To you on! It is very bad.
The patient:
- Worse that, I kiss the wife every morning and every evening, I am afraid, that
and she(it)...
The doctor scaredly:
- About my God! I mean too I can be ill...

* * *

As soon as the pretty blonde has come in the bus in коротенькой to a skirt,
all men have there and then turned on it(her) the sights. The girl wanted to sit, but
at this time the bus has sharply braked, and the girl, having lost balance and
trying to grasp for спинку sitting, it is casual шлепнула a hand on a cheek
the young man sitting by a number(line). Having reddened from shame, she(it) started
to apologize, but the neighbour has stopped her(it) and, smiling, has made:
- Do not worry, the girl. That I have thought, looking on you, I
i deserve even more strong slap in the face:

* * *

One girl:
- You know, why I leave in marriage for the doctor? Because, if I shall be ill,
it(He) will always cure me.
Another:
- And I leave in marriage for the priest. If I согрешу, it(he) will release(will let off) mine
sins.

* * *

The wife speaks the husband:
- Lovely, our new maid сожгла bacon and eggs. You will not be satisfied
whether you a couple of kisses for a supper?
The husband to the wife:
- There's nothing to be done, call her(it) here.

* * *

The severe mistress began to try to find out at the new servant why she(it) left
from a former place of work.
- Yes, understand, conditions in their house has developed not absolutely healthy.
The child was too lazy, and father черезчур active.

* * *

The mistress has hardly had time to slip on a dressing gown as in a room has come
the servant.
- Луи! Why you are not knocked? And suddenly I undressed!
- Do not worry, madam, - has calmed its(her) servant, - before
to enter, I always look in a keyhole.

* * *

The little boy has lost mum in crowd of the big department store.
The attendant on department store chides the boy:
- The boy, mum needs to be held always for a hand.
- But at it(her) in hands was any things so much.
- Then it was necessary to hold for a skirt, - the attendant has told.
- I tried, but could not get, up to it(her) was so highly.

* * *

Mother of the daughter:
- Why Джим has resulted you home so late?
The daughter:
- At us long conversation on a way was. And that, we have disturbed you the
noise?
Mother:
- No, детка, followed behind this silence.

* * *

At assembly.
- And you, comrade, for what?
- Я..? I for economy of a facilities(an economy). But not for such economy that was
"facilities(Economy)" is visible.

* * *

The announcement:
The young man of advanced age without especially harmful habits
offers a hand and heart to the decent(considerable) and sympathetic girl, which
puts on in " the Children's world " and buys a bra in "Bogatyr".

* * *

The inspector:
- So you assert(approve), what it(he) has stolen from you money?
The girl:
- Yes! The villain! The deceiver!
The inspector:
- And where you hid money?
The girl having reddened:
- They have been incorporated for a stocking.
The inspector:
- Why you then have not opposed this?
The girl:
- I did not think, that for it(him) of money are necessary.

* * *

The man very much was surprised, when the woman gone to it(him) towards,
has greeted it(him). Having caught up her(it), it(he) has asked:
- Why you have greeted me? In fact I at all do not know you.
- О..! Then forgive, it seemed to me, that you one of my fathers
children. At the man has drooped a jaw. It(he) simply did not know, that same
the teacher.

* * *

The husband has learned(has found out), that the wife to it(him) changes. It(he) has employed the hired murderer and has told
to it(him):
- I want, that my wife has been killed by a shot in a head, and her(it)
to the lover отстрелить a member. I allow for it one thousand.
Have agreed upon date and time. The husband has left for other city and there began
to wait for a bell hired the murderer. At last during established time it(he) has seized
telephone tube:
- Everything is all right. Appeared easier, than I thought from you five hundred and we in
calculation: only one shot was necessary.

* * *

- Listen, and your wife closes eyes, when you finish?
- Always - she(it) cannot see, when it is good me.

* * *

Three young women come back from holiday. Conversation in a compartment. One
tells:
- I literally in the first day have got acquainted with one metallurgist. Well
also it(he) allowed heat - all twenty four days made with me
continuous разливку steel.
- And I have got acquainted with the secretary of a district committee of the CPSU. Well, in the first night
we with it(him) have lain, and it(he) me asked other twenty three days to anybody about
it to not speak.
- Oh, девки, and I have got acquainted with the scientific employee... It(He) at once
has got down to business: twenty three days were prepared with experiment, which on twenty
the fourth day has not taken place for technical reasons.

* * *

The missionary has lived some years in the African tribe without any
complications with natives. Once to it(him) there has come the leader:
- Yesterday my twelfth wife has given birth to the white child. You unique
among us white, it means you has profaned my wife. For it for you waits
death!
- The great leader! Look, on a glade in herd white коз затесалась
one black. And in fact you - all black, but in fact this do not mean, that...
- All right, all right, I to anybody about you shall not tell, but also you - молчок!

* * *

The elephant for the first time has seen in jungle of the naked native and has thought:
- How it(he) a feature extracts to itself(himself) a meal?

* * *

The muzhik meets the ancient old woman with a faggot.
- Give, бабка, I shall help! Has shouldered a faggot to itself and
has gone. They have reached a marge of a wood, the old woman and speaks:
- You have helped me, I of you for it отблагодарю, I колдунья and shall execute anyone
your three desires. What your first desire.
- Well, first, that I had обалденная machine " White
a Mercedes ".
- Well. You will go on a glade before turn, and there three hundred meters to the right
also you will see "Mercedes". Speak the second desire.
- I want a summer residence two-storeyed with pool and underground garage!
- Be your way. You will sit in "Mercedes", you will pass about kilometer on
to country road also you will see the summer residence. Speak the third desire.
- I want the wife a beauty, and that all life on me сохла.
- All right. Your beauty waits for you on back sitting. Yes where you,
lovely? Cost(stand)!
- Well to you still, бабка?
- I have made all, that you asked, therefore at me to you small
the request.
- Yes as I can help you: you in fact колдунья, all can.
- Yes not everything, - поимей me at parting, милок, and I also have forgotten that,
as it all is done(made)!
The muzhik has thought, has frowned:
- And all right! That to me costs(stands). But then - all at my legs(foots).
And поимел бабку it(he).
- Well everything, бабка, we in calculation! - also has rushed, like mad on a glade.
- Stand, милок!
- Well that to you still?
- And годков to you how many?
- Well, thirty six, and what?
- Эх you, such big, and in fairy tales believe!

* * *

The self-supporting item(point) on artificial insemination of people has opened with
birth of children with beforehand planned attributes. There comes lady,
pays procedure and enters into a cabinet(study). At a table sits huge жлоб
in a white dressing gown:
- Sit. Whom want - the girl or the boy?
- The boy if it is possible.
- It is possible the boy as want, touches on a shelf of a test tube, finds
necessary, pours out in a glass:
- What growth?
- Is above the average a little, if it is possible
- All is possible. Pours out in a glass contents of the following test tube:
- Color of hair?
- Блондин.
- So, тэ-экс, a brown-haired person, red, блондин. It is ready. On whom want, that
was similar?
- On Бельмондо.
- So... Delon, Челентано, Габен, In.. - Бильмандо! Has stretched
the filled glass to the woman:
- Now выпейте it! Lady drinks, and in minutes two - three falls on
couch also falls asleep. The muzhik discontentedly unbuttoning ширинку:
- Бильмандо, Бильмандо. Both it will turn out, and it will turn out.

* * *

There are two friends, at one bruise under an eye. The second
asks, that happened.
- You understand, I was at theatre. Well, performance has ended, all have risen
from the places. I look - передо me has risen healthy тетка, and at it(her) a dress
in задницу it was hammered. Well I also have pulled out to it(her) a dress, and she(it) to me - бац! - on a physiognomy.
In some days they again meet, at that already all head
it is bandaged. It(he) tells:
- I at cinema yesterday was, передо me same тетка appeared. When film
it was terminated also she(it) has risen, at it(her) again the dress in an ass was hammered. I the neighbour began
was to pull out, and I take and tell: " she(It) does not love it! ", - and back
has jostled.

* * *

In the overflown Moscow bus the French casually comes
to the Georgian on a leg(foot):
- Sorry, мсье.
- Certainly I want!

* * *

- The young man if you on me have lain not be as a log!

* * *

On a female beach UFO lands. The ship is left by two humanoids
in poured silver survival suits, they are surrounded there and then by nude women
also start them to bother:
- And you whence have arrived(flied)?
- With the Alpha of a Centaur.
- And you at all have such UFOs?
- At all.
- And everyone can arrive(fly) to the Earth?
- All.
- And at all such brilliant survival suits
- Is not present: only at me and at Gogi.

* * *

In Georgia the son asks the father:
- The daddy, and for what to the person fingers on a hand?
- Сынок, the big finger is necessary to show, that all is very good.
Index you specify. On anonymous a ring wedding carry. A little finger
conveniently an ear to pick. And about average you learn(you find out), when подрастешь and the man
you will begin. The son has grown, was going to marry and asks the father:
- The daddy, you promised to tell, for what the middle finger is necessary.
- Listen, сынок. You marry, and your young wife will want with you
all the day to beds to lead(carry out). After that she(it) will want and next day
in bed with you to be indulged. For the third day she(it) again wants, and you already
you can not any more. Here also it is useful to you your middle finger: you Will compress
hand in a fist, you will expose a middle finger, and... You will strike yourself on a forehead:
" you that - have become stupid? "

* * *

The husband asks the wife:
- You can sleep at light?
- I can.
- Светка, come!

* * *

On a corridor of a conservatory there are two professors and briskly talk.
Unexpectedly beside the student runs and touches them. They call to it(him):
- The young man, stand!
- Where you are?!
- How you conduct yourselves?!
- You in a temple of art!
- We talk about Mozart, we want to share the ideas about youth
ю... To bring up her(it) in spirit of humanism..., - to impart cultural skills!
The student, being burn with shame, is sorry and leaves, having bent
head. One of interlocutors continues:
- And here I take her(it) for an ass...

* * *

The man comes into the public house, thumbs through the catalogue.
- With this was, with this was. About, love in Spanish! After "love"
asks:
- Listen, all as is usual! And why it is written " Love
in Spanish "?
- Ah, road, excuse, has overlooked! - also starts счелкать fingers.

* * *

It(He) and she(it) in bed...
It(He):
- It is possible, I shall name you Евой?
She(It):
- And why Евой?
- Because you at me the first...
- All right. And I shall be possible to name you "Москвичем"?
- Yes... And why?
- Because you at me 412-th...

* * *

Injustice.
- Divorce was, the child have given the wife, and it is unfair.
- Why?
- Well as... You lower(omit) three copecks in the automatic device, and it(he) gives out to you
glass with a syrup...
- Well?
- What - well? So whose it is a glass - yours or the automatic device?

* * *

From interview to the owner of a public house.
- And we started simply: I, the wife and the mother-in-law...

* * *

The girl enters into a forward door of bus enough hammered by people. To it(her)
one passenger speaks:
- You why enter into a forward door?
- And I the pregnant woman.
- Something is not visible?
- And you want, that in one hour it was appreciable?!

* * *

The wife with the lover in a bedroom. The husband enters.
- Ага! All is clear! I here superfluous!
- Why, road, just right. This already soon stops...

* * *

She(It): - you did not kiss nobody's lips, except for mine?
It(He):
- No. And your most sweet!

* * *

- Give me the permit in Sochi, at the worst to Evpatoria.
- In Evpatoria with the thin end too there is nothing.

* * *

Evening. Twilight. In love embraces the girl.
- Lovely! I so love you!
- Ah, that you do(make)!!! Do not climb!!! I now shall cry!
- But then your parents can hear us.
- My God! I somehow have not thought of it.

* * *

The whore in bed with the cadet.
- I swear, you my the first the man which I love.
- I believe, expensive(dear).
- Strange, you the first the man which has believed in it!

* * *

Night park in city. Goes постовой and suddenly hears whisper in bushes:
- Ваня, remove(take off) glasses, you to me will tear stockings!
Постовой has listened and in one minute hears:
- Ваня, dress better glasses, you lick a bench...

* * *

The old man with the young mistress:
- Ah, Виточка, I love you, as the native daughter!
She(It):
- Strange at you, however, methods of education!

* * *

- Петенька, we are familiar only two hours, and you already mark(aim) at my heart!
- No, expensive(dear), than all on half-meter is lower..

* * *

In confectionery shop the girl speaks a saleswoman:
- Give me, please, chocolate фигурку for three roubles.
- To you of the boy or the girl?
- Certainly, the boy, there chocolate has more!

* * *

For easter of the American tourists have placed in picturesque деревеньке.
The mistress sets the table.
- And where the owner? - foreigners are interested.
- Yes eggs красит, - answers хозяйк
- Оу! Рашен хип! - foreigners are surprised, - and how it(he) it does(makes)?
- About, чень it is simple, - the mistress, - in кастрюльку with boiling water answers
throws a peel from an onions(a bow), and then there for some minutes lowers(omits) eggs.
- Оу! Рашен yogas! - the struck foreigners exclaim.

* * *

The foreign correspondent examining the Soviet factory in
support of the secretary of a Communist Party committee, interviews at turned up
the worker.
- How many you receive?
- Hundred twenty roubles... - the worker answers and stops short, having noticed
terrible eyes of the secretary... In a week! - it(he) adds.
- And an apartment at you, what?
- At me one room..., - the worker speaks,-... Windows on the south, one
windows on the east and one windows on the West!
- And what hobby at you?
- 30 centimeters, - брякает the worker also sees, how the secretary was seized
for a head!
- In diameter! - быстренько it(he) is corrected.

* * *

Вовочка hears as the daddy with mum in bed капашатся. Also speaks:
- Mum, give вареника.
- Where I to you, сыночек, among night варэника вiзьму?
- Yes, and пляшкотять, already sour cream бризже...

* * *

There are two muzhiks. One of city, other of village.
City asks:
- How at you a member insert?
- How? How? Ordinarily. Hands.
- And at us cultural - a plug!

* * *

The muzhik in a bar examines ice in a cocktail:
- Look, what interesting form - a piece of ice with дыркой.
His(Its) neighbour with disgust looks in a glass:
- That here interesting - I twenty five years on such am married!

* * *

Ванька with Манькой at congress.
- Манька, хошь, Keldysh I shall show?
- You of that, from mind(wit) have left, houses will show!

* * *

The English queen awards fighters - invalids, отличившихся on
Islands Folklenskih. Бекингемский a palace, solemn ceremony.
- Admiral, what award you wish for the feat?
- A country house on Гаваях, your majesty. There I and without a leg(foot) shall easy live
the century.
- And you, the colonel?
- Automobile " Lincoln ", your majesty. Though I and without a hand, but mine
the driver will bring me in any parts of the world.
- And you, the boatswain what want?
- And me a pile однопенсовых coins from my eggs up to the head of a member,
my queen.
Queen was surprised, but education has not allowed it(her) to show it.
Having ordered to execute a wish of heroes, she(it) has left. In a day to it(her)
the treasurer resorts:
- Your majesty, we cannot execute your command - in treasury not
money suffices.
- In what business?
- All business in the boatswain: eggs at him(it) appeared at themselves, and the head
has torn off on a battlefield!

* * *

In a polyclinic in turn one men cost(stand). In a tail becomes
the very young girl. At it(her) косо have looked, but have told nothing. When
she(It) appeared at окошечка, the doctor is surprised asks:
- You too on delivery of sperm? That nods, not unclenching a mouth: о-ј!

* * *

The barin shouts at all manor:
- Ivan! Ivan! Ivan resorts:
- Everything the barin? - I Want to fuck! Ivan pulls together the pants and
with a sigh speaks:
- To marry to you, the barin, is time...

* * *

The organization of leisure in military units: before soldiers it is executed
striptease. A deafening applause after each fallen thing. The woman
pulls together last rag. Dead silence.
- I to you that, do not like?
- Киска, - one soldier puffs, one hand it is inconvenient to clap.

* * *

The woman speaks the girlfriend:
- I never asserted(approved), that at your husband a wart on a penis. I
spoke, that it only to the touch.

* * *

" certainly, I love you as passionately, as before, but that
casually to not shake ashes from a cigarette on a bed, I am compelled to move
as it is possible медленее ".

* * *

Small Эллен bathes with the братиком in a bath.
- Mum and why I do not have such feature between legs(foots)?
- Patience, my daughter, patience...

* * *

Fifteen-year брейкер speaks the подружке:
- As us have not started up on this film under a pretext, that it(he) " to children
up to sixteen " let's come back home.
- And in general there was nothing to get out of bed, - has answered discontentedly
подружка.

* * *

2069. the reporter interviews centenary hippie - юбиляра.
- Whether there are at you any problems?
- Already any since my son любера have placed in the house
for aged!

* * *

Whether the Frenchman ask there are unbribable women:
The Frenchman answers: " Are, but they dearly cost(stand) ".

* * *

The Frenchmen: " we know hundred ways of love ".
Englishmen: " And we know hundred one way of love ".
The Frenchmen: " cannot be, in fact we the most skilled, the most skilful in
love. What it for the hundred first way? "
Englishmen: " When she(it) lays on a back, and it(he) from above lays on it(her) ".
The Frenchmen: " About, yes! We have not guessed before yet ".

* * *

- I congratulate you the neighbour. I heard, you married.
- Really even at you it is audible? Well and sound insulation.

* * *

Three alcoholics have argued at whom more hand shiver.
The first speaks:
- I when from a bottle in a glass pour, so in a glass only 100 gramme
gets, the everything else past.
The second speaks:
- I when from a bottle in a glass pour, so in a glass only 50 gramme
gets.
The third speaks:
- And I when писаю so three times I finish.

* * *

Has decided Хазанов to marry.
- Well Геночка, - mum - you at us speaks the most popular, means to you
and the wife is necessary the most popular. And Alla most popular in us now
Борисовна, to it(her) also go to ask in marriage.
Has gone Геночка to Аллочке.
- Аллочка, I want to marry you.
- You Геночка, certainly, like me, but the summer residence on coast is still necessary for me
Black sea.
Has begun to cry Геночка and has gone back home. Comes, by tears it is filled in.
Mum asks:
- Геночка, you of that cry?
- Аллочка a summer residence wants on coast of Black sea.
- Do not cry, Геночка, go tell to it(her), that we to it(her) shall buy a summer residence.
Was delighted Геночка. Resorts to Аллочке and speaks:
- Mum has told, that we shall buy to you
summer residence.
- You Геночка, certainly like me, - speaks Аллочка, - but me
machine " Seagull " is necessary still.
Has begun to cry Геночка. Comes home and speaks:
- Mum, she(it) still machine " Seagull " wants.
- Do not cry Геночка, go tell to it(her), that we to it(her) shall buy the machine.
Was delighted Геночка. Has run to Аллочке. And Аллочка also speaks:
- And me, Геночка, still it is necessary, that 25 centimeters were.
Has begun to cry Геночка. Comes home and speaks:
- Аллочка has told, that it is necessary for it(her), that 25 centimeters were.
- Ah, - mum, - that because of this red cat of 5 centimeters has cried
to cut off - never!

* * *

On a market the muzhik sells a mosquito in bank. On bank a label:
" the substitute of men. 25 roubles "
The woman:
- And how him(it) to use?
- At home undress, ложись and let out(release) it(him) from banks. If what not so-
call to me, phone.
In the evening the woman calls:
- Has come, has undressed, has lain, has let out(has released), and it(he) sat on a wall and not
moves...
- So... Lay! I leave! There has arrived the muzhik on a place has undressed and speaks
to mosquito:
- Look, a numskull, last time I show!

* * *

Постовой:
- Forgive, мэм, but from you the penalty: in this lake to bathe it is forbidden!
The girl:
- But why you have not told to me of it before I have undressed?
- Well to undress here it is not forbidden, мэм...

* * *

On road the hen lays. The tractor goes. The tractor has moved the hen. The hen
has risen, it was stirred up:
Is a man!

* * *

In the bus.
- Comrade! Cautiously, eggs!
- Comrade! I to you repeat, eggs!
- З-б-б...
- I spoke you, - is cautious eggs, - at me in a bag nails.

* * *

Queen, having heard, that Черчиль asserts(approves), as if any woman
it is possible to buy and sell, has invited it(him) to itself.
Is a truth, Уинстон, - she(it) as if you assert(approve) has asked, that
any woman can be bought and sold?
- Yes, my queen, - has answered Черчиль.
- And me, the English queen?
- Yes, my queen.
- Interestingly, for how many you would sell me?
- For hundred thousand pounds sterling, my queen.
- As, me, the English queen, all for hundred thousand pounds
sterlings?!
- See, my queen, you already and bargain!

* * *

To one she(it) has kept fidelity. To anothers gave innocence.

* * *

There are two friends. One speaks another:
- You hear, at me in the machine two young women. Let's go somewhere
let's have a rest.
- And how they look?
- Bad women do not happen, happens not enough vodka.
- Well, all right, only just in case I all the same shall look.
Greets, looks, then closes a door and speaks the friend:
- Excuse, but I was so much vodka shall not have a drink.

* * *

To the lady alone sunbathing on a beach, the man is driven:
- Forgive, but you somehow have strange a rest! All time one... We Shall go
to me in number! We shall have fun, we shall drink, we shall have a snack, besides love we can
to engage...
- You as whom work? - lady interrupts.
- The turner! - Well so present: the whole year you did not depart from the
the machine tool, have arrived on the south, and here on all beach: machine tools, machine tools, machine tools...

* * *

Between girlfriends.
- You know, I yesterday have changed to the husband.
- On love or by calculation?
- Certainly on love. Unless now one hundred - money!

* * *

Nice(Famous) Knight Roland is sent in a distant campaign. Already sitting in a saddle,
it(He) calls the true friend, entrusts it(him) a key from a belt(zone) of chastity of the
the young wife also speaks:
- Dear friend, I shall be absent some years, all this time you
should protect honour of mine of the spouse, and always hold this key at itself!
Buglers have begun to trumpet, and the nice(famous) knight has acted in a campaign. But it(he) has not had time
far to drive off a city gate as it(he) was overtaken by the true friend on
взмыленном a horse. Already from apart it(he) has cried:
- What happiness, that I managed to catch up you!
- And what happened? - the knight was disturbed.
- You in fact have given me not that key!

* * *

- The girl, and the girl, at you a breast is?
- Is.
- And why you do not carry them?

* * *

The muzhik gold рыбку has caught.
Рыбка:
- Release(Let off) me, I shall execute your any desire!
- All right, make so that I was wetted by vodka.
- Be your way.
Has come the muzhik home, has urinated in a glass, has smelt - vodka, has drunk-
vodka. Was delighted, has drunk still стаканчик.
There comes to it(him) the friend.
- You of that do(make)?
- Vodka I drink.
- And where has got?
Well, that to it(him) also has told all.
- So налей and me стаканчик, - the friend was delighted.
The muzhik began it(him) to pour, yes hands shiver, all by a glass pours.
- Эй, you what for разливаешь, give I better from a throat!

* * *

- The doctor, recently I very much ослаб in the sexual attitude(relation).
- And how frequently you make love?
- Once a week with the wife, three times a week with the mistress, and every day
with the mother-in-law.
- Well road, and that you want, certainly, all this from all it.
- Фу, thank God, and I thought from онанизма.

* * *

The husband collects a suitcase.
- You where? - the wife asks.
- I shall go in Ivanovo on earnings. There women for one night with the muzhik
fifty give.
The wife:
- Well then I too with you shall go.
- And you there what for?
- I shall look as you at two hundred a month you will live.

* * *

- Петька, you that there do(make)?
- The aerial I pull, Vasily Ivanych
- Well and names have gone.

* * *

On road to the grandmother Red Шапочка it is very tired and has decided to have a rest.
Прилегла also has fallen asleep.
The cow has approached to it(her). It became a pity to it(her) the girl, and the cow has decided to give to drink
its(Her) milk. Has approached closer and began to substitute Red Шапочке a udder to
to mouth. And Red Шапочка спросонья having slightly opened eyes:
- Boys, only not all at once.

* * *

Two pies talk.
- The cheese cake is pleasant to you.
- It is pleasant!
- So give her(it) трахнем!
- It is good to you to speak, you with eggs, and I with a potato...

* * *

- Dear, - the man speaks, - if I knew, that you still
the virgin, I would conduct myself more accurately.
- If I knew, that you such fast, I would remove(would take off) stockings.

* * *

The wife asks the husband:
- I heard that the new secretary works for you?
- Yes.
- Well and how she(it) - consults?
- Consults.
- Beautiful?
- Nice.
- And puts on as?
- Quickly...

* * *

The elderly person comes in the public house:
- For me it is necessary such that I with it(her) could do(make) everything, that I want.
- Mark, carry out(spend) mister in 6 number. After a while the client
runs out from number:
- You what for have palmed off me the snotty little girl!
- Mark, replace a doll, she(it) is already overflown.

* * *

Have decided Петька with Чапаевым to descend(go) in a room of laughter.
Come and look beside a room of sex.
- Петька, you go in a room of sex, and I shall go to a room of laughter.
Comes Петька into a room of sex, sees in the middle of a room costs(stands) big
the globe, and above the globe costs(stands) the naked woman and an inscription: " who to me
it will be taken away, I shall be given that ".
Began Петька to clamber, the sphere turns and Петька all time flies.
In one hour Петька leaves, malicious, сердитый, and Vasily Ivanovich with laughter
dies.
- Well, Петька, and now give, you go in a room of laughter, and I shall go in
room of sex.
Comes Петька into a room of laughter. Around it is empty. Looks in a wall
дырочка. Петька in this дырочку look, and there Vasily Ivanovich on the globe
climbs.

* * *

Vasily Ivanovich speaks:
- Петька, allow you task - to deliver here ten girls, but that
all of them were virgins! Has understood?
- Has understood! In a week wait. In a week Петька results ten
girls.
- Петька, undress everything, I shall examine.
- Yes whom you to me have resulted, Петька! Vasily Ivanovich, - they all shouts
spoiled.
- Cannot be, itself checked.

* * *

The carpenter on protection have arranged with the gynecologist. The first reception. Comes
the patient, undresses.
It(He): " Well and pussi!!! "
She(It): " Well you be not expressed, have even told a sexual crack ".
It(He): " Yes if I on a floor in a parquet left such cracks, so me
for a long time from work have expelled ".

* * *

Has gathered Georgian making related. The sister puts the sister to sleep with the
six-year son Gosha.
Gosha jumps at night, the knife to a throat and fucks her(it). So three nights on end.
The sister asks her(it):
- You why such tired all time go?
That to it(her) also has told all.
- Well anything, - the sister speaks. Will fall asleep, we shall exchange places. And
have made.
At night Gosha jumps, the knife to a throat and fucks.
Mother to it(him):
- Gosha, сыночек, you of that?
- Vakh, mummy, now виму.
- I to you виму, we shall terminate, вимеш, then in a corner you will stand.

* * *

Diary онаниста.
Has tried дрочить the right hand, has received weight of pleasures.
Has tried дрочить the left hand - it was not pleasant, any other sensation.
Married - much worse, than the left hand.

* * *

The muzhik on a market sells the cock. The second approaches:
- After what the cock?
- Hundred roubles?
- And it(he) though курей trambles down?
- And курей, both the wife and the mother-in-law and two daughters trambles down.
- So what for you sell?
- Э., so on me to be mown the beginnings

* * *

The taxi driver has brought the girl in the specified place. At the girl there was nothing
to pay off and she(it) suggests to pay off with nature.
The taxi driver puts her(it) under the machine and fucks.
The employee of GAI approaches:
- What you here do(make)?
- As, that, the machine is under repair.
- Before to repair the machine, it is necessary to put her(it) on manual
brake, and that she(it) where it was left.

* * *

The taxi driver carries the girl. She(it) puts legs(foots) on the panel of devices.
- The girl, clean(remove) legs(foots) from the panel, it is awfully ugly.
She(It) fastidiously looking at him(it):
- Some men have honour these legs(foots) to kiss.
- Well, excuse me, please, but some girls at me have
the member to suck honour, so not on a cowl to me it(him) to throw out.

* * *

Note Балконского the muzhik in library reads.
Балконский writes:
- In the first evening we for a long time danced with Natasha, and I have kissed its(her) hand,
from what at me has passed a shiver on a body. For other evening we too for a long time
danced and, I have kissed her(it) on the mouth, but here, she(it) has sharply compressed legs(foots) and
has crushed to me a penis.

* * *

The husband learns(finds out), that the wife to it(him) changes. Once it(he) comes home and
speaks the wife that leaves for business trip. Itself on a platform becomes higher.
The wife leaves an apartment for the lover, the husband comes into an apartment and is hidden
for a case.
They come together, have drunk, had a snack, it(he) of her(it) трахнул. She(it) to it(him)
speaks:
- Lovely, make laugh me so that I уписялась.
The lover started naked from apartment to run, jump. That on a bed,
on a table will jump, on a case and it is suddenly direct from a case in a window.
She(It) to it(him) shouts:
- Lovely, where you, I already уписялась!
- Look for a case, so you and усрешься!!

* * *

There comes the Negro to the USSR. In our embassy of it(him) ask:
- What it is necessary for you, that it is good to have a rest?
It(He) answers:
- To drink, have a snack and the girl for the night. To it(him) all have made, and for the night
nobody wants to go to it(him). Have decided to put to it(him) in bed the rubber woman.
For the morning ask:
- Well as?
All is good, only your girl any abnormal. I to it(her) of a leg(foot)
i move apart, and she(it) shifts, I for сиську have bitten her(it), and she(it) - фью! And in
window leaf.

* * *

Go on horses Ilya Muromets, Добрыня Никитич and Алеша Попович.
Look, the Иван-fool above коньком-горбунком sobs. Ask in what
business.
- To mountain at me, конек-горбунок помер. They have gone further. Look,
the imperial palace costs(stands).
Алеша also speaks:
- I shall go to princess, the happiness can to me will smile.
Comes and speaks: " Be my wife! "
And she(it) asks it(him):
- You two sticks will put?
- I shall put.
- And three?
- I shall put.
- And five?
- I do not know.
- Get out. Has decided to try happiness Добрынушка:
- Be my wife.
She(It) to it(him):
- Five sticks you will put?
- I shall put.
- And eight?
- I shall put.
- And ten?
- I do not know.
- Get out. Comes to princess Iljusha:
- Be my wife.
- You will throw ten sticks?
- I shall stop.
- And thirteen?
- I shall stop.
- And fifteen?
- I do not know.
- Get out. They have left with anything. Go восвояси. Look, and Иванушка
sobs. They speak it(him):
- The fool, go to princess, the happiness can to you will smile. There was it(he).
Comes and speaks:
- Be my wife.
- And you will put fifteen sticks?
- I shall put.
- And twenty?
- I shall put.
- And thirty?
- I shall put!
- And forty?
- You that, a silly woman, at me on 39 stick конек-горбунок сдох!

* * *

Paris. There are colleagues and share who and as has lead(has carried out) New Year's
night.
- Жоржетта where you met New Year?
- Oh, as always, in bed...
- Yes? And was to people much?

* * *

Three girls go in a compartment. One speaks:
- I like to fuck with sportsmen. Has quickly come running, it is fast трахнул,
has quickly escaped.
The second:
- And I - with militarians. On the account of times has come, on the account two трахнул, on the account
three has left.
The third:
- And I like to fuck with Indians. Children of the nature. Fuck as animals.
Here a train тормознул. The Georgian from a shelf falls:
- May I introduce myself - the master of sports, major Chingachguk!

* * *

Марья Ивановна, the weaver, the leader of manufacture, became currency
the prostitute.
At factory confusion, have decided to arrange companionable court.
Chairman профкома:
- Марья Ивановна! How so? You in fact at us the leader of manufacture,
repeatedly became ударником Communistic work, the deputy of all
convocations, наставницей... How you could become the currency prostitute?!
Марья Ивановна:
- Well I can tell? Has carried..

* * *

Fathers - Indians sit and silently light up the pipe of peace.
- Perhaps, about something we shall talk? - has asked one of them.
- We shall talk. And about what?
- Well, for example, about a policy(politics). Something of me recently Honduras
disturbs.
- And you scratch, can will cease.

* * *

The lieutenant dances with Natasha.
- Natasha, you today without shorts!
- About, the lieutenant and how you have guessed?
- At me on legs(foots) furfur.

* * *

The mousy has got in a bottle with vodka.
At once near a bottle the cat has appeared.
- Котик! Pull out me from here, the mousy, - I to you for it has begged
i shall be given.
The cat has thought and has decided to rescue a mousy. As soon as the cat has pulled out a mousy, she(it)
юрк in a mink also has hidden.
The cat has cried:
- You promised me!
- Whether a little that the drunk woman can promise.

* * *

Escape Петька with Vasily Ivanovichem from white by a boat.
Suddenly at Vasily Ivanovicha breaks весло.
- Петька, row one! Петька rows, suddenly and at him(it) breaks весло.
- Петька, we row ху-ми! Row.
Vasily Ivanovich:
- Water cold!!!
Петька:
- And a bottom stony.

* * *

There comes the guy to get a job. The personnel manager
asks:
- You of that have left from the previous work?
- There a brothel(disorder)!
- At us too a brothel(disorder).
- But at you though ...-ди посвежее.

* * *

Young asks old:
- How in the best way to tempt the girl?
- There are two ways, - the grown-up speaks.
- The first, the fastest - a cudgel on a head and in bed.
- Э.. No, to me such does not approach.
- Well then there is other way, slower - it is necessary to drive her(it) in
cinema, theatres, restaurants...
- Well and then?
- And then - a cudgel on a head and in bed...

* * *

Bell in a private residence of lord of Hamilton. The butler approaches to phone:
- Sir?
- Kind! - the tube speaks, - be kind, go in a room of lady and
tell to it(her), that I shall be late in club.
- But lady has already gone to sleep, sir.
- Nevertheless, go to it(her) and report, that I asked.
In a tube coming nearer steps of the butler are audible excluded, and then.
- Sir, I has reported, but your voice has answered me because of a door, that I
it was cleaned(removed).
- Immediately take a gun and shoot the person who is in
to bedroom with my wife!!
In a tube shots, footfall are audible.
- Sir, I has made everything as you have told, but the man has jumped out in a window
bedrooms the garden also has escaped.
- But near our house there is no garden!
- Means, you were mistaken number, sir...

* * *

Drunk the man results the friend in itself home at night. Everyone sleep. It(he)
shows an apartment:
Is my drawing room, it - a bedroom, it - our bed. I sleeps
the wife, and it near to it(her) - I...

* * *

Drunk the man comes home with the mistress. The door is opened by the wife.
- The hardware - Я-Я! - it(he) speaks it(her) conspiratorial whisper, - tell, that you
my sister!...

* * *

Who such exemplary husband?
What, войдя in a bedroom to the wife and having seen her(it) with the lover,
will tell:
- Well, you, guys, here finish, and I shall go coffee I shall weld(cook).
And who such exemplary lover?
The one who will manage to execute this wish.

* * *

The husband comes back before usual home. At the wife - the lover.
The wife runs out towards to the husband with a garbage can.
- Dear, has not undressed yet, bear(take out), please, dust.
While the husband bears(takes out) dust, the lover runs out on a ladder on top
the floor, then safely leaves unnoticed. Goes and thinks: it is necessary,
what clear head!
Comes to itself home. The wife of it(him) meets with a garbage can:
- Dear while you have not undressed, выброси, please, dust.
The husband bears(takes out) dust and thinks: well, that for a silly woman - all the day at home, and
the dust is no time be throwing out!

* * *

The husband unexpectedly comes back home. The lover jumps out on a balcony,
catches at a handrail, jumps over them, and hands to release(let off) is not solved-
terribly.
Hour hangs, two. Dawns. The yard keeper leaves, notices it(him):
- Эй you that here you do(make)?
- How, what?, вишу!
- З-б, well hang, hang, only legs(foots) lift, give to sweep.

* * *

Odessa. Two houses opposite. In the morning on balconies of the apartments two leave
neigbours:
- Listen, Соня, you that, were ill? From you in two o'clock in the morning has left
the doctor!
- Ай, Bella, cease to tell, disgustingly to listen: if from you everyone
morning leaves the colonel, I do not shout on all Дерибасовскую, that began
war!

* * *

The prostitute hands over money in the Parisian bank.
- Madam, - the employee, - sorry speaks it(her), but this money false!
- My God, - she(it) shouts, - leaves, me have raped!

* * *

Turn to the gynecologist. The man approaches and asks, who last.
- Understand, speak it(him), is a turn to the gynecologist.
- Yes - yes, - it(he) answers, - I know.
- But... He/she is the female doctor.
- And tell, it(he) спиральки puts it?
- Yes, it(he).
- Well, means, it(he) and removes.

* * *

The tired husband late at night comes home. The wife rushes to it(him) with
shout: " Where was?! ".
- Dear, you at me the clear head, - speaks the husband, - think up something
.

* * *

The young pair comes to the sexopathologist. The husband complains, that, recently
have got married and what to do(make) with the wife, it(he) does not know.
The doctor brings the patient to a couch, suggests it(her) to lie, undresses
also carries out duties of the husband.
- Now you understand, what you should do(make) with the wife? - asks
the doctor of the husband.
- Certainly, the doctor! But if you will be sometimes borrowed(occupied), to whom to me a message
her(It) then?

* * *

The woman looks in a cabinet(study) of the therapist:
- Forgive, the doctor, I not at you just бюстгальтер have forgotten it?-
she(It) asks.
- No, not at me.
- And, well, means, at the oculist!

* * *

The young husband complains to the father that cannot begin in any way
sexual life with the wife:
- Нэ лизэ, батько...
Father gives it(him) кринку with sour cream and advises to take advantage to it(her).
Next day the son again complains:
- That нэ лизэ, батько, and at кринку нэ лизэ...

* * *

The husband unexpectedly comes back home. The wife hides the lover under a bed.
The husband undresses and ложится to sleep. Already falling asleep, hears, how under коватью
someone turns.
- A ball, it you? - the husband drowsily asks and lowers(omits) a hand on a floor.
- I, - speak "Ball" and предано licks his(its) hand.

* * *

The wife будит at the night of the husband:
- I am cold!
The husband rises and brings the second blanket.
After a while:
- I am hot!
The husband rises and opens a window.
Still after a while:
- I want the man!
- Well, expensive(dear)! Where I to you in two o'clock in the morning shall find the man?

* * *

The wife sees at night dream as if sleeps with the lover and here the husband enters. She(it)
wakes up and будит the husband:
- Jump more likely in a window, the husband goes.
The husband jumps from a bed, flings open a window and jumps. Flies and thinks:
" And who I? "

* * *

Two friends talk:
- You imagine, I something absolutely зарапортовался: last night in
bed has given the wife three roubles.
- Well, you allow! And she(it) that?
- And she(it) has taken!

* * *

There comes the man in the public house.
- Madam, I would like to take advantage of services of your girl, but... Not
in absolutely usual way...
- In that case I suggest you Лу-пТ, she(it) cannot be surprised with anything.
The client and Лу-пТ rise in number.
After a while Лу-пТ with shout and the frightened person runs out from
numbers:
- No, no, месье, only not it!
- What did it(he) want? - asks владелица a brothel.
- Madam, it(he) wanted on credit and for the Soviet roubles!!!

* * *

In Odessa the first public house has opened. Tells one of it(him)
the first clients:
- I come, means, in him(it). And there - two doors. On one it is written
"blondes", and on another - "brunettes". Well, I to blondes. Well, I to
to blondes. I come, and there - two doors: "paid" and "free-of-charge". Well, I to
free-of-charge. I come, and there - two doors: "brown-eyed" and "blue-eyed". Well,
i to blue-eyed. I come, and there - two doors: "полненькие" and "худенькие".
Well, I to полненьким. I come, and there - two doors: " with distortions " and " without
distortions ". Well, I at that door, where " with distortions ".
- Well also what?!
- Also leave again on Deribasovsku.

 
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