Jokes about Vovochka
Lesson at school. The teacher asks children who were their ancestors on war:
- Masha, and at you the grandfather was at war?
- Yes, Marina Ivanovna. It(he) was the tankman.
- And at you, Vovochka whom the grandfather was on war?
- Probably, the electrician.
-????
- Yes I have found a helmet of it(him). There two lightnings it is drawn...
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There is a lesson. The teacher asks children to list words on H.Vovochka's letter the first pulls a hand. The teacher is afraid, that it(he) will tell something indecent. Also asks other children. Those: a tail, a hill...
- Thanks, children. And now words on the letter of Item.
Вовочка the first pulls a hand. The teacher again is afraid, that it(he) will tell something indecent. Children: the laundress, the pony...
- And now words on the letter To.
Vovochka as always the first. The teacher, not найдя any bad words on To, asks Vovochka.
Vovochka: - the Dwarf, but with such х%ем.
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The teacher in a class asks:
- Children, tell, what are money?
Children answer:
- Paper, copper, silver, gold, etc.
Suddenly Вовочка speaks:
- Wooden.
The teacher with misunderstanding asks:
- Why, wooden money does not happen.
Вовочка is offended speaks:
- No, are. Yesterday my sister has told, that for two sticks to it(her) the boss has bought a new fur coat.
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Come Vovochka and Masha to the doctor.
Вовочка: the Doctor, we wanted to ask, in 10 years it is possible to give birth?
The doctor: Certainly is not present, and what?
Вовочка: you See Masha, and you were afraid!
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The teacher has set the composition on the house "Spring". Asks Vovochka:
- Well esteem to us the composition.
Vovochka starts:
- There has come spring. On trees набухают kidneys. On ice smoothly floating on the river wolves fuck...
The teacher a shrill voice:
- Вовочка as it is not convenient!
- Certainly, Marina Ivanovna, paws that will part!
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Marina Ivanovna at school at a lesson of zoology:
Children, tell, what useful it is possible to receive from a chicken?
Танечка: eggs white, dietary.
(М): Sit Tanya, five.
Lena: Meat white, tasty.
(М): Sit Lena, five.
And so on...
The turn up to Vovochka has reached.
(М): Well you, Vovochka, answer, what it is possible to receive from a chicken?
(В): I do not know.
(М): Well think. You where sleep?
(В): Oh, on a floor.
(М): Нда, well and under a head you that you put?
(В): Хм, valenki.
(М): Well and your father where sleeps?
(В): Yes too on a floor.
(М): And under a head it(he) that puts?
(В): Хм, the second valenki.
(М): Нда, well and the grandfather that you where sleeps?
(В): On печке, Marina Ivanovna.
(М): Well and under a head it(he) that puts?
(В): the Pillow.
(М): that and it and if we shall cut a pillow, what we shall receive?
(В): Pussi from the grandfather we shall receive...
Вовочка it washes with mum in a bath and notices at it(her) a curly triangle.
- What is such, mummy!?
Is such bast! - mum answers.
- You know, and at the daddy it is better, - thriftily notices Vovochka, - at him(it) with the handle!
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Vovochka has met the neighbour and speaks it(him):
- Ага, ага, and I yesterday have peeped in a window of your bedroom and saw, how your wife sucked to you х%й!! Ля-ля-Ѕn-Ѕn-Ѕn-Ѕn....
The neighbour:
- Ля-ля-Ѕn-Ѕn... Vovochka, that you such carry. Me last night houses were not....
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Вовочка fills up in a bedroom to parents during the most improper moment. The daddy has not become puzzled and not climbing down from mum asks the son:
- Well, Vovochka. Whom do you want - the brother or the sister?
- I want the hippopotamus!
- No, Vovochka, бегемотик will fail...
- Will fail?!... Strange... Let, I shall try!
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The first school day. The teacher transplants schoolmates for school desks:
- Olya, you will sit down Vovochka.
- I with it(him) shall not sit.
- Why?
- At him(it) the woman in 1-st "З"!
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Somehow Vovochka asks mum:
- Mums and how I on light have appeared?
- Well, the son, we with the daddy have taken a glass. It(he) has spat, I have spat, have put on window, and next morning you have appeared.
Next day at school:
- Tanya, spit in a glass.
- Yes you that, Vovochka?
- Well spit.
- Тьфу.
Vovochka too has spat and has put a glass on a window in the room. At night in a glass the cockroach has fallen. In morning Вовочка with a glass approaches to mother:
- Mums, crush the grandson - on the son the hand does not rise.
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Vovochka at a lesson ask a question on ingenuity:
- Than differ a bush from the criminal?
Vovochka has answered:
- A bush, all over again will plant, and then it(he) will grow. And the criminal all over again will grow, and then it(him) will plant.
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- Vovochka, where your school diary?
- It(Him) Kolya has taken. Parents will frighten.
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In the first class there is a lesson of mathematics. Sit beside three first-graders and talk.
Borya:
- I yesterday in the market two hundred dollars have lost muzhiks. On a main recess it is necessary to give, and that грохнут, and at me money is not present...
Vasya:
Is that, I yesterday on a motorcycle бабку have brought down, now I think: whether now to go to surrender, whether the end of lessons to wait?
Vovochka:
- Oh, from me the neigbour has become pregnant, now or to marry, or the alimony to pay?
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Внyк from city пpиехал to дедyшка in деpевня. After the grandfather has shown all facilities(economy), внyчок заскyчал. The grandfather говоpит:
- Почемy to you to not take dogs and pyжьишко and to not descend(go) in a wood постpелять?
Внyк обpадовался also has gone. Чеpез hour веpнyлся, возбyжденный:
- The grandfather, and y you still dogs is?
- In school on a lesson of the English language comes checking of РОHО and sits near to Вовочкой. The teacher who has recently begun(started) преподовать very(very much) worries, but a lesson of a message it is necessary.
The teacher:
- I now shall write the offer on a board, and you of it(him) try it(him) will transfer(translate) to Russian.
Writes. At it(her) falls swept. She(it) of it(him) нагинается, lifts it(him) and finishes the offer.
- Who now will transfer(translate).
Вовочка pulls a hand. Is afraid, but there is nothing, it was necessary to ask.
Вовочка:
- The skirt would be shorter...
- What?! From a class!
Вовочка collects books and writing-books in a portfolio and with scope beats checking on a head:
- ь*nсэ, you do not know - do not prompt.
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The boy the first-grader asks the папочки mathematics:
- Daddies, and daddies. Kак figure 8 is written?
Папочка not coming off the formula:
- The infinity developed(unwrapped) on пи half-and-half...
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The teacher попpосила изобpести a mousetrap and пpинести in school.
Вовочка пpинес a plate, an inserted edge попеpек and напpотив edges two sausages.
- How such pаботает?
- Means, пpибегает a mousy смотpит and пpотягивает a head чеpез an edge (a head in pазные стоpоны) - Time a sausage - Two sausage - And гоpло пеpеpезается.
Is difficultly, пpинеси завтpа попpоще.
Hа the next day... The Plate an edge and one sausage.
- And it as pаботает.
- The mousy пpибегает (a head in pазные стоpоны) - Is a sausage - Hет sausages. And гоpло пеpеpезает.
- Вовочка пpинеси завтpа a mousetrap still пpоще.
Hа тpетий day... The Plate and a hammered nail on through, остpием ввеpх.
- How such will be pаботать?.
- Пpибегает, means, the mousy to have a meal a sausage and смотpит - there are no sausages (a head ввеpх and downwards) where my sausage?
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Вовочка with the daddy in Moskovsk a zoo. Came to a cell(cage) with a huge Siberian tiger. The daddy tells Вовочке, what this dangerous and furious animal. Вовочка listened, listened to it(him) and at last asks the daddy it is anxious:
- Па and if the tiger will escape from a cell(cage) and will eat you....
- Yes, сынок, - the daddy, - so asks?
- And what to me then by bus home to reach?...
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Phone call. Vovochka lifts the receiver:
- Yes?
- Hallo, Машеньку it is possible?
- Hет, the mouth is borrowed(occupied) from it(her). And who it? When I shall finish, she(it) will call back. Hangs up a tube, and speaks: " Hе there have got "
At a lesson of anatomy the teacher asks Vova:
- Tell to us about human серьдце.
- Well... - Vova answers - At серьдца there are legs(foots)...
- How it so? - the teacher is surprised.
- Well... When yesterday I passed by your window, have heard therefrom: " my Heart, move apart the legs(foots)! ".
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The grandmother to the grandson - Вовочка, and now we with you shall repeat words, which to you. To know not
it is necessary.
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Vovochka in runs in the house: - Mum, mum! Ours the daddy have knocked down! - As?! Who?! - the Tricycle! - Thank God! That at you for jokes...-... Which asphalt rolls.
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Пpишел somehow Vovochka on уpок накуpенный in a zero, and the teacher to it(him):
- Вовочка, what now вpемя year.
- Summer.
- Vovochka, листики have fallen down, what вpемя year.
- Summer.
- Vovochka, сугpоб lay, what вpемя year.
- Summer.
- Vovochka, моpоз 30 гpадусов, WHAT SUMMER.
- т*Су«С summer.
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Vovochka comes for a New Year's holiday in костюмчике red color, red туфельках, and with the person painted in red color. The teacher asks Vovochka:
- You probably have dressed up in a suit of a tomato.
- I - a purulent aposteme, am proud have told Вовочка, squeezing out from a mouth sour cream.
Lesson of the literature. The teacher:
- Well children, we have read story Chehov "Vanka". You understand, that now, certainly, children do not write such letters.
Rises Vovochka:
- A lie, I yesterday saw, how Ezya Shihman wrote at a lesson. " Dear grandfather, Solomon Moiseevich, take away me from here... "
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- Vova, пpекpати кpутиться, and that I пpибью nails and втоpую a leg(foot)..
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Vovochka ask the teacher histori: who such Chapaev V.I.?
- Who - who: негp!
- How niger?!
- And it(he) пpотив white was at war.
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Lesson in a class at Vovochka. The teacher gives the task:
- Children think up a poem: the beginning - yours, the end from classics.
In a class silence, one Vovochka pulls a hand. Hеохота to cause, all will vulgarize and what to do(make).
- Give Vovochka, tell.
- Rises and with pathos - I loved her(it) today. Hежно сиськи to it(her) twisting
- Vovochka! Again! Marche for director.
Вовочка leaves, comes back with director:
- Hу! That has again done.
- The task has given: your beginning, the end from classics...
- Вовочка tell.
- I loved her(it) today. Hежно сиськи to it(her) twisting...
- Vovochka, and classics WHERE.
- That as an animal she(it) завоет. That will begin to cry as the child.
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At a lesson of a history the teacher asks:
- Why the USA bomb Iraq.
Vovochka pulls a hand:
- I was possible! I know.
The teacher:
- Well tell..
Vovochka:
- Because Моника sucked at Clinton!!!.
The teacher:
- Vovochka, from a class!.
Well, and who will tell, why England bombs Iraq.
Вовочка, on the move:
- I shall tell! I fairly know.
The teacher:
- Well speak, Vovochka...
Vovochka:
- And she(it) SPIED!!.
Vovochka goes on a school corridor, drags the huge globe.
Towards the teacher:
- Vovochka, you where?
- In a toilet, Marina Ivanovna.
- And the globe what for?!!
- You know, Maria Ivanovna, such mood - for the whole world насрать would be desirable!.
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Пpиходит the son from school and говоpит отцy:
- Today at school таkой слyчай was - ВАЩЕ! In мyжской тyалет the little girl has gone.
- Hy you of her(it) пpогнали.
- The whole FIVE pаз, on a circle!!!
Вовочка asks the teacher of zoology:
- Tell, and that it: blue-green, 8 legs(foots), on a kind склизкое and disgusting?
- I do not know, and what is it?
- Yes I and itself do not know, but it has just crept to you under a skirt.
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The postman brings the certified mail and calls at a door. The door is opened by the boy of years of eight, попыхивающий huge such Havana cigar. The postman in amazement squeezes out from itself:
- Ээээ... Parents of a house?
The boy carelessly shakes ashes from a cigar on a carpet, winks and answers:
- Itself as you think?
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Mum puts to bed the little boy. That cries. She(it) sings to it(him) a lullaby - the child cries, sings the second - cries, sings a third, the fourth... The Boy opens eyes and speaks:
- Mum, I understand, you єбС*їЯэ sing, but to me to have a sleep...
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At school the teacher chides the kid:
Is very bad word. Where you heard it(him)?
- The daddy so speaks mine.
- Do not dare to repeat. You at all do not know his(its) value.
- I know. It means, that the machine again is not got(started).
Two парнишки consider(examine) архиабстрактную a picture.
- Let's bolt from here, - whispers one to another, - - and that still will think, that it we of her(it)
have ornamented.
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From street the cry small Вовочки is distributed.
- What with the kid, road? - asks mother the husband, having put out from a window.
- Anything especial. Simply it(he) has dug a hole in sand and wants to bring her(it) home.
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At a lesson the teacher tells about Pushkin's creativity. And then asks:
- Sasha how called nurse Alexander Sergeevicha?
- Голубка decrepit I, - answers the pupil.
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Before a door of a house sits Vovochka. Any person approaches to it(him) and asks:
- The daddy of a house?
- Yes.
The man calls, but nobody opens. Then it(he) angrily speaks the boy:
- You speak, what father of a house then why nobody opens?
- I do not know. I here do not live.
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Vovochka ask:
- Who to you has drawn it hare?
- The daddy.
- And your mum is able to draw?
- No, she(it) only at herself on the person is able.
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Four-year-old Vovochka tells to mum:
- Mum, today in садике we were checked by the doctor.
- And what it(he) checked?
- Checked, we breathe whether or not.
During physical examination at school the doctor asks at Вовочки:
- You have any complaints to ears and a nose?
- Is. They prevent me, when I put on a sweater.
Children, what most of all was pleasant to you in a museum? Vovochka: - As Petrov from a ladder has fallen down.
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Have received the grandfather and бабка from Vovochka the letter. The grandfather reads:
" Hello, the grandmother and the grandfather! Today I the first time have gone to school, and at us the lesson of the truth was. The teacher has told, that we always should speak the truth. Well and so, I have decided to tell to you the truth. In the last summer when I lived at you, once I have climbed in a cellar and have eaten to bank of crimson jam, then накакал there and have put on a place! "
The grandfather to бабке turns:
- I - spoke you a shit, and you - have become candied, has become candied!..
At a lesson the teacher asks:
- Children, why a flounder flat?
Vovochka suddenly without the permission speaks:
- Because she(it) with a whale has overslept!
- Leave from a class!!!
- Children, and why at a cancer of an eye выпучены?
The door suddenly opens, and therefrom Vovochka it is joyful:
- That is why, that it(he) saw all this!!!
The daddy дрочит comes Vovochka home, and there.
Вовочка asks: what you the daddy do(make) it?
-I the gnome I dress, I undress, I dress, I undress, and it(he) to me for it кайф brings.
-А I was possible shall try?
Certainly
Vovochka leaves in a small room, and after a while the awful cry therefrom is distributed:
-З-б-б-б-б-б-ааааа!!!!
The room is run in by father and sees the son who rolls in a pool of blood and sperm:
What happened?
-А I gnome dressed, undressed, dressed, undressed, and it(he) to me in an eye has spat also I to it(him) a head has torn off
Vovochka comes home late at night, approaches to roome sisters and sees such stage: the sister costs(stands) naked at a mirror and groan, the MUZHIK, the MUZHIK. Вовочка goes to sleep. Next day Вовочка again creeps to the sister, and the sister with the muzhik love is engaged. Вовочка run to a mirror, WOULD remove from itself clothes with words the BICYCLE, the BICYCLE.
Lesson. Marina Ivanovna speaks: " we Start to pass the letter " П ", name birds or animals on this letter ".
Vovochka pulls a hand, Марь Иванна thinks: " it(him) I shall not ask, again any muck will tell, give Машенька ".
Машенька: "Птенчик". МВ: " the Good fellow, 5 ". Вовочка pulls a hand even more strongly. МВ: " give Петенька ". Петенька: "Пингвинчик". МВ: " the Good fellow, 5 ". Vovochka already of trousers jumps out - pulls a hand. МВ thinks: " All right I shall ask it(him), and the lesson will not give that to lead(carry out), give Vovochka ". Vovochka: " Птенчик, Пингвинчик, обосрался I!!!!!!!!!! "
Lesson of Russian! The teacher speaks: " Children, to you the offer: If I would have a horse. Think up a continuation - rhyme. Rises Сашенька:
- If I would have a horse, I would feed it(him) 3 days!
The teacher:
- Well done Sit. 5!
Rises the Ringlet:
- If I would have a horse, I поил it(him) 3 days!
The teacher:
Is already recurrence! Sit. 3!
Rises Vovochka:
- If I would have a horse - it NUMBER would be! If the horse would have me... I, likely, HAS DIED!
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